IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate. Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

#people #technology #ability #humans #position #considerations #shape
In the modern world, a majority of
people
tends
Correct subject-verb agreement
tend
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 to believe in artificial
technelogy
Correct your spelling
technology
 so that they would get some rest and feel the meaning of life.
However
, it is leading to some considerable problems that are causing currently in humankind's life. From my perspective, I completely agree with the statement because of some reasons.
To begin
 with,
technelogies
Correct your spelling
technologies
 contain a
lot
 of necessity in themselves that were insisted
people
to
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apply
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do them,
however
,
time
Add an article
the time
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 has passed, now they all are being done by the modern technological assistants.
Furthermore
,
due to
this
 stance, a group of crowd are losing their occupation or part-time
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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 so that
people
 are
being
Verb problem
apply
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unable to afford their daily necessities.
For example
, In Korea, a
lot
 of supermarkets and cafes are being served without any shop assistants
nor
Correct word choice
or
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cashier
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cashiers
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 only with
display
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displays
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 and security
camera
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cameras
show examples
.
Accordingly
,
people
 are sacrificing their physical and mental health
for doing
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to do
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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 and earn money to buy bread.
Secondly
, manufacturers are firing a majority of workers because they have hired a
lot
 of robots
are
Correct pronoun usage
that are
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 well-developed and able to do everything rather than
humankinds
Correct your spelling
humankind
.
Furthermore
, artificial
intellengence
Correct your spelling
intelligence
are
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is
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 working for
people
 to serve them everything that
are
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is
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 necessary for their daily lives so that
people
 just buy only
phone
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phones
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 and relax.
For example
,
crowd
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the crowd
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should not buy neither
Rewrite the sentence
should not buy either
should buy neither
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 alarm clocks, dairies,
nor
Correct word choice
or
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 sticky notes because these all are settled in
Add an article
the phone
a phone
show examples
phone
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phones
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.
Accordingly
, workers at manufacturers should not spend a
lot
 of
times
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time
show examples
 doing these and it leads to
be
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being
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 fired.
Overall
,
however
, technology has a
lot
 of advantages in
human's
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human
show examples
 life,
it
Correct word choice
but it
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 still causes a majority of problems in
this
 contemporary epoch.
Submitted by nazim200709 on

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task response
In the introduction, briefly mention what the essay will cover. For instance, state that reliance on technology can lead to job losses and overdependence, potentially deteriorating human thinking skills.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear structure by starting each paragraph with a topic sentence. This helps in maintaining a logical flow of ideas.
task response
Use more specific examples and elaborate on them to better support your points. This will enhance the depth of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Provide a stronger conclusion that summarizes your main points and restates your stance.
task response
The essay adequately addresses the prompt by discussing job losses and overdependence on technology, providing some relevant examples.
task achievement
The essay displays a clear understanding of the potential negative impacts of technology on human thinking and employment.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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