IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say free time activities for children should be organized by parents. Others say that children should be free to choose what they do in their free time. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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With an ever-increasing concern about how to handle the boundaries between free will and guidance on
children
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, some individuals have opined that free-
time
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activities
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 for
children
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 should be guided by
parents
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. The rest of the population,
however
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, argues that
children
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 should do what they want in their free
time
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.
This
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 essay will,
therefore
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, evaluate both arguments and present a concluding viewpoint.
To begin
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 with, some individuals argue that
parents
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 should organize free
time
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activities
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 for
children
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. From the perspective of
parents
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, their
children
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 are suffering from the lack of information and knowledge in acquiring safety in free
time
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activities
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.
Therefore
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, they will actually
be benefited
Wrong verb form
benefit
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 from following the guidance of
parents
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 as it will equip them with an essential safe environment.
Furthermore
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, compared to random groups of
children
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 without the given trend, those
children
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 with a rising freewill to choose and engage in free
time
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activities
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 have shown an increased tendency of being injured and decreased psychological satisfaction of
parents
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. In spite of those reasons mentioned above, other oppositions contend that
children
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 should play with their free will in their free
time
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. Providing a few agreements on previous arguments, moving to educational instructors can illuminate a different perspective. The priority of them is to maximize the inner potential of students and teach active learning attitudes for their future and
this
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consequently
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 demonstrates that
children
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 require the opportunities to make choices with their free will and the necessity to overcome passive learning attitudes.
Thus
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, making decisions about considering
about
Change preposition
apply
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boundaries for
children
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 should not be based on the sole side of
parents
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.
Moreover
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, there must be other factors to be weighed in appreciating the actual causal relationship between the free will of
children
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 and free
time
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activities
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. In conclusion, some individuals argue that
parents
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 should provide organized free
time
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activities
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 for
children
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.
Nevertheless
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, I firmly believe that making decisions in boundaries of
free
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the free
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 will of
children
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 more achievable will require more consideration and
thus
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 most relevant parties in society should be entirely involved for more sustainable advantages.

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. This can help to illustrate your points more clearly and make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are quite complex and can be simplified for better understanding. Aim to express ideas more clearly and directly.
coherence cohesion
Make sure all points are fully developed and supported. Some arguments are a bit vague and could benefit from further explanation.
coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument.
task achievement
Your language use is generally good, with appropriate vocabulary and sentence structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • balanced development
  • expose children to
  • tailored activities
  • promote discipline
  • foster independence
  • genuine interests
  • free play
  • problem-solving skills
  • emotional well-being
  • unstructured time
  • personal exploration
  • structured activities
What to do next:
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