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Band 5.5

It is inevitable that as technology advances, traditional cultures will be lost. It seems that we cannot have these two things together. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#technology #advances #cultures #two
In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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modern society, technologies are developing
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 an unbelievable speed.
However
,
due to
 technological advances, traditional cultures will disappear.
This
 is inevitable so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
we cannot have these two things together. From my perspective, I totally disagree with
this
 opinion, since advanced
technology
 is a tool for promoting our
cutural
Correct your spelling
cultural
values
.
To begin
 with, traditions and cultures appeared
as a result
 of many historical events, and they have gone through time filters. These cultures are essential as they connect a person to his family roots
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
Moreover
, there are many nations on the globe, and each nation has its own traditional and cultural
values
.
Therefore
, we need to have a tool which could help us
adapt
Correct your spelling
adopt
show examples
 other traditional and cultural
values
, and advanced
technology
 would be the best choice for us to do that.
Technology
 has become
inevitable
Add an article
an inevitable
show examples
 part of human life. If we use it properly, it will help to communicate about these
values
, so that we should utilize them maximum
On the other hand
, modern machinery gifted
people
 with
ability
Add an article
the ability
show examples
 to connect despite their locations.
Therefore
, we can use it as a tool to educate
people
 about the traditions and the importance of preserving them.
For instance
,
people
 can use either Facebook or Instagram to make community groups in which
people
 from all around the world can share
cultural
Correct article usage
the cultural
show examples
values
 of their regions so that we can arrange various festivals to promote their culture.
To sum up
, improved
technology
 does not make traditional
values
 disappear, but helps to circulate traditional
values
.
Therefore
, I think both can go together.
Submitted by dohuyhoang on

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task achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to strengthen your argument. Consider using a clear example that showcases how technology can promote traditional cultures.
coherence cohesion
Avoid small grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes. Proofreading your work or asking someone to review it can help. For example, "so that" in the introduction should be replaced with "therefore," and "so that we should utilize them maximum" should be revised to "so we should utilize them to the maximum extent."
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and connected, effectively framing your essay.
coherence cohesion
You provided a logical structure to your essay, making it easy to follow your argument.
task achievement
Your response is comprehensive and demonstrates a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • inevitable
  • advancement
  • globalization
  • dilutes
  • traditional cultures
  • social media
  • blending of cultures
  • preservation
  • platforms
  • adaptability
  • technological adaptations
  • uphold
  • consequence
  • integrate
  • cultural frameworks
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