IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

All parents want the best opportunities for their children. There are some people who think that schools teach children skills but others think having a range of subjects is better for a child's future. Discuss both sides and give your opinion .

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays parents
became
Wrong verb form
have become
show examples
 more aware
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 needs. All parents around the world
wants
Change the verb form
want
show examples
 their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 to
had
Change the verb
have
show examples
 the best opportunities. It
consedared
Correct your spelling
considered
 by some
that
Linking Words
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 schools the best choice
to learn
Change preposition
for learning
show examples
 skills ,
while
Linking Words
 there are others who think that schools
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not enough
for preparing
Change preposition
to prepare
show examples
 kids
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
life
Change noun form
life's
show examples
 challenges .In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
school
Use synonyms
 is not the perfect environment for
develop
Change the verb form
developing
show examples
kids
Change noun form
kids'
kid's
show examples
personality
Fix the agreement mistake
personalities
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
school
Use synonyms
 is
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
 place to prepare
children
Use synonyms
 for
acadimic
Correct your spelling
academic
 life.
in addition
Linking Words
, They will be with people
as
Change preposition
at
show examples
same
Change the article
the same
show examples
 level as them .
Thats
Correct your spelling
That
 will give them the
confident
Replace the word
confidence
show examples
 to express
about them self
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
,
beld
Correct your spelling
build
relashions
Correct your spelling
relations
, and improve
theie
Correct your spelling
their
these
 soft skills.
For example
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 will
experiance
Correct your spelling
experience
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life in
diffrent
Correct your spelling
different
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
 their parents will not
ba
Correct your spelling
be
show examples
 around to protect them and
thats
Correct your spelling
that
that's
 will be
benifits improve
Replace the word
beneficial in improving
show examples
 their personality . Meanwhile,
children
Use synonyms
 will gain different
value
Fix the agreement mistake
values
show examples
 from
school
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as teamwork
Correct word choice
and
show examples
colaporation
Correct your spelling
collaboration
 from the given lessons.
Body paragraph 2
One
Correct your spelling
On
show examples
 the
othe
Correct your spelling
other
 hand, all
children
Use synonyms
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 equal at
school
Use synonyms
,
Furthermore
Linking Words
 , everyone has his own
abality
Correct your spelling
ability
 .studing the same for a student can be not fairer for some .
Their
Replace the word
There
show examples
 are some pupils
Correct pronoun usage
who had
show examples
had
Correct pronoun usage
who had
show examples
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
high marks in
specific
Add an article
a specific
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
Correct word choice
but in
show examples
Correct word choice
but in
show examples
Change preposition
at
show examples
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the same time they
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 not good
Change preposition
at
show examples
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 others .
In addition
Linking Words
 , childhood is the most
importent
Correct your spelling
important
 time for creat
kids
Change noun form
kids'
kid's
show examples
personallity
Correct your spelling
personality
.
Haviing
Correct your spelling
Having
 more
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 related to student interest can make them one step ahead of those
ho
Correct your spelling
who
show examples
 do not,
Becaues
Correct your spelling
Because
 they are
foucasing
Correct your spelling
focusing
focussing
 on what they like and maybe it will be their future.
For example
Linking Words
,
Thier
Correct your spelling
there
 is many people
Correct pronoun usage
who focuse
show examples
focuse
Correct your spelling
focus
focused
 on
thier pation
Correct your spelling
their passion
 and
becam
Correct your spelling
become
 famous
artiest
Change preposition
for artiest
show examples
 and
musical
Fix the agreement mistake
musicals
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 people may
very
Correct your spelling
vary
show examples
 in their opinion. I think that
school
Use synonyms
 is
such
Linking Words
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a prison for talent . I
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
 think anyone can improve
Change the pronoun
his
show examples
him self
Correct your spelling
himself
show examples
 their

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
Try to ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one point to the next. Using transitional phrases can help achieve this.
cohesion
Avoid repetition and aim for more varied sentence structures to engage the reader better.
task response
Make sure your main points are fully developed and supported with more specific examples.
general
Work on improving grammatical accuracy and refining sentence structure to enhance clarity.
structure
You have provided a clear stance in your introduction and reiterated your viewpoint in the conclusion, which is good for coherence.
task response
You've made an effort to present both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a balanced approach.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: