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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart shows the percentage of people in one country, by age group, who visited one or more museums in 2006, 2011 and 2016. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart shows the percentage of people in one country, by age group, who visited one or more museums in 2006, 2011 and 2016. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The bar graph illustrates the
propotion
Correct your spelling
proportion
 of the population
travelled
Wrong verb form
travelling
show examples
 to one or more
museums
Use synonyms
 over the time interval of 5
years
Use synonyms
 from 2005 to 2016, against different age groups.
Overall
Linking Words
, the number of young children and teens
tend
Correct pronoun usage
who tend
show examples
 to visit
musuem
Correct your spelling
museum
museums
 remains almost constant
while
Linking Words
, slighter older generation and middle-aged personal showed an increase in percentage over the
years
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, teenagers
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 15-24 showed a constant percentage
approximately
Change preposition
of approximately
show examples
 25%
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 all 3
years
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
Further more
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
show examples
, people from 25-34 and 35-44 age groups showed increasing interest
to visit
Change preposition
in visiting
show examples
museums
Use synonyms
 from 2006 to 2016.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the first
group
Use synonyms
 started in 2006 with a little above 25% and gradually increased to a little over 30% in 2016.
While
Linking Words
 the latter
group
Use synonyms
 which started
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 only 20% made a drastic increase and ended
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 above 35%.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the older generation does not
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
 much interest in visiting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
museums
Use synonyms
.
Use synonyms
Group
Correct article usage
A group
show examples
 of people between 55 and 64 were fans of
museums
Use synonyms
 in the initial
years
Use synonyms
, but they lost interest over the
years
Use synonyms
 and only a little below 30% visited
museums
Use synonyms
 in 2016.
In addition
Linking Words
,
much
Add an article
the much
show examples
 older generation who are above 65,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are not keen to see
museums
Use synonyms
 , so they kept a much lesser percentage over the
years
Use synonyms
, nearer to 20%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words museums, years, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
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