crime is the big problem in the world, and nothing can be done to prevent it. to what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is true that nowadays, the number of offences
is
recently increased, and it is creating problems for society. Some Verb problem
has
people
believe that any forces
cannot avoid it. In Fix the agreement mistake
force
this
essay
I will present arguments against Add a comma
essay,
this
statement.
On the one hand, the main reason of
committing crimes is Change preposition
for
lack
of money among citizens Correct article usage
the lack
especially
in poor Add the comma(s)
, especially
population
of Fix the agreement mistake
populations
people
. Firstly
, more males than females get into crime to get some money to provide their family with food and overnight stay, this
maybe
caused by Correct your spelling
may be
lack
of permanent work. Correct article usage
a lack
Secondly
, if they had an education, they would find a well-paid job. This
problem could be solved by creating a special program to help people
get a job. Moreover
, open evening classes to interested students to learn professional skills, which will help to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
be
Verb problem
become
a
qualified Correct article usage
apply
worker
.
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
On the other hand
, the number of people
who overworked
has increased in today’s world, Add a missing verb
are overworked
parents
Correct word choice
and parents
usually
Add a missing verb
are usually
tired
and Rephrase
too tired
busy
to pay attention Rephrase
too busy
for
their children. Children Change preposition
to
left
alone and have to spend time outdoors. Add a missing verb
are left
Furthermore
, the difference in social status lead
to crime among teenagers. In the era of Change the verb form
leads
technology
progress, everyone uses smartphones and children, whose parents cannot afford Replace the word
technological
buy
expensive Fix the infinitive
to buy
device
are usually bullied by peers. Fix the agreement mistake
devices
As a result
, they are under influence
of Correct article usage
the influence
harmful
group of teenagers. In Add an article
a harmful
this
situation parents must be active in their children’s daily life
, Fix the agreement mistake
lives
should
Correct word choice
and should
listen
them without judging.
In conclusion, it is obvious that offence is one of the main problems in Add the preposition
listen to
community
, which can be solved by special programs from Add an article
the community
government
and parent’s attention.Correct article usage
the government
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task achievement
The essay should have a clearer and stronger thesis statement in the introduction that addresses the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement. This will provide a solid foundation for your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Although the ideas are generally clear, some sentences can be better structured for more clarity. For instance, 'Children left alone and have to spend time outdoors' can be rephrased as 'Children are often left alone and spend more time outdoors.'
coherence cohesion
Ensure that all your points are cohesively linked. For example, after discussing parental attention, you might link it back to crime reduction to show direct relevance.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a good introduction and conclusion that frame the main points effectively.
task achievement
The essay addresses the main issue by discussing two significant causes of crime (economic hardship and lack of parental attention) and suggesting solutions.
task achievement
The examples provided, such as economic hardships leading to crime and lack of parental supervision contributing to juvenile delinquency, are relevant and help to support your arguments.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example