IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 8

"Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up." To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#fatherhood #motherhood #idea #women #babies #children
In the contemporary world, the controversy surrounding the equality of motherhood and fatherhood has become a prominent topic. Typically, the role of a mother is comprehended and admired more than that of a father,
due to
 the perceived power of women to determine the need,
as well as
, the upbringing of a baby. From my perspective, fatherhood should be granted the exact importance of motherhood as both of them should equally contribute to the decision to have a
child
. The significance of protection provided by a father,
along with
 the capability of facilitating financial stability accentuates the substantiality of fathership.
to begin
 with, the security received from fathers can be considered as a significant aspect that can affect the development of a
child
. To be more precise, studies have discovered that children who grew up without fatherly love have demonstrated physical and psychological impairments from infancy to adolescence. In fact, a father's affection is of paramount importance to a
child
 in terms of growth and development.
Hence
, fathers should be actively involved in the decision of procreation.
Moreover
, fathers are recognized as tremendous providers who ameliorate the family's financial strength.
In other words
, research has detected that males possess the ability to gain long-term financial security more than females. In essence, pecuniary potential can be comprehended as a determinant of allocating children a thriving life.
Thus
, fathership must be granted an equivalent significance when arriving at a decision to have a
child
. In conclusion, fatherhood
as well as
 motherhood, both have some positive influences on children's development;
As a result
, society should hold a balance between these two roles for the optimum benefits they bring to a family.
Submitted by Nastaran_zandy on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance cohesion, try using more transitional words and phrases to smoothly connect sentences and paragraphs. This ensures a more logical flow of ideas from one point to another.
task achievement
While the essay addresses the prompt effectively, adding more specific examples or evidence can further substantiate the arguments. For instance, citing studies or statistical data can make your points more convincing.
task achievement
To reach a higher band, consider incorporating a counterargument to show a more nuanced understanding of the topic. This demonstrates critical thinking and strengthens your position.
introduction
The introduction outlines the controversy and clearly states the writer's perspective, which sets a good foundation for the essay.
coherence cohesion
Each body paragraph focuses on a single main point – the security from fathers and their role as financial providers – which enhances clarity and coherence.
conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main arguments and reiterates the importance of balancing fatherhood and motherhood.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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