IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

A 14-year-old young who seriously damaged school was made to clean streets as a punishment. Do you think young criminals should be sent to prison or there are alternative forms of punishment? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#school #streets #punishment #criminals #prison #alternative #forms
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Crime
punishment
 depends on the circumstance, the suspect was in. When it comes to children or
students
 or a minor, these circumstances change drastically. I believe sending a minor to prison is not the right way of dealing
such
Change preposition
with such
show examples
 crimes.
This
 essay will discuss the examples and reasoning behind the psychology of underage criminals
while
 suggesting alternative punishments for minors. To understand the psychology of a minor, it's dier to understand the reason why he committed a
crime
. Recent studies have shown that about 85% of minors who
commits
Correct subject-verb agreement
commit
show examples
 a
crime
,
it's
Verb problem
are
show examples
 either because of a reason or an underlying trauma, which
sometime
Replace the word
sometimes
show examples
 is completely different from the
crime
 an underage has
commited
Correct your spelling
committed
.
For instance
, In the UK, psychologists confirmed that many times kids are being bullied, or mentally abused,
due to
 which, they feel to do the same things with others.
Similarly
, a case study was presented
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 stated a kid had damaged school property because of the
countinuous
Correct your spelling
continuous
 pressure of study. To resolve
this
 issue, different authorities take different measures. Like in the USA, detention
being
Change the form of the verb
is
show examples
 a proper
punishment
. Where a student has to sit in a class without anything with him, just so he can realise his mistake. In India,
students
 or minors are placed in juvenile jail, by making
the
Correct your spelling
them
show examples
 understand, the disastrous
crime
 they could face in a real jail.
However
, I believe both of these are right depending on the circumstances of the
crime
. A study conducted in
Netherlands
Correct article usage
the Netherlands
show examples
 shows
otherwise
, there they concluded almost 65% try to commit crimes again. And never realised the deep issue that needed to
addressed
Add a missing verb
be addressed
show examples
. A better solution would be to place a psycholist on every 10
students
, to keep student's mentality in check.
This
 way kid's
crime
 would be reduced and their deep underlying would
also
 be resolved.
To conclude
,
punishment
 is necessary to keep
students
 in check, but sending them directly to prison is not the right way. An alternative
punishment
 for kids would be by increasing their homework or by appointing a psychologist above them, so the children could discuss their issues with them.
This
 may result in a reduction in crimes like school property damage issues.
Submitted by nick on

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writing
Make sure to proofread your work for spelling and grammatical errors. Consistency in tense usage and correct punctuation is essential for maintaining clarity.
writing
Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph to enhance the logical structure of your essay. This helps guide the reader through your points more effectively.
writing
Expand on your supporting examples and reasoning. While you did provide relevant examples, adding more detail can make your argument stronger.
writing
Strengthen the connection between your introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion by ensuring each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Use transitional phrases where necessary.
task response
You adequately addressed the topic and presented a clear stance on the issue.
task response
Your introduction and conclusion are present and reflect the main points discussed.
task response
The examples provided are relevant and enhance the essay’s argument, particularly the studies and cases mentioned.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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