IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is important that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays, Violence when still
children
Use synonyms
 is increasing,
therefore
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,
parents
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 should be very careful to teach their offspring not to hit back at bullies. I will provide a clear example from my knowledge or experience about
this
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 topic. There are many reasons why
children
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 are now so aggressive compared to in the past.
Firstly
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, the
media
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 and the
internet
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 have had more negative impacts on
children
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,
such
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 as videos of fighting with their
parents
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 or videos about physical abuse from the
internet
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.
This
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media
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 will cause the
children
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 to become more aggressive because they will memorize those actions from the
media
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, and they will try to do the same things.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 should take care of their
children
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 to avoid bad
media
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 on the
internet
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.
Secondly
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, the factor that causes the offspring to be more violent is the
children
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's lack of love from their
parents
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. If the
children
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 feel lacking love from their family, they will show severe
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 to society.
For instance
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, violence toward other
children
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 in the playground in order to call for attention from others or their
parents
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,
although
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 those kinds of expressions will cause harm to others.
To conclude
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, there are many factors to be considered for the family to take care of their
children
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 and not to make their offspring harsh to others and society,
such
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 as physical abuse from the
internet
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 or lacking love from the family.

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task achievement
While the essay does a good job of addressing the topic, it would benefit from more specific examples that clearly illustrate the points made. Personal anecdotes or specific instances of media influence and lack of parental attention resulting in violence would strengthen the response.
task achievement
The essay should aim for a more comprehensive response by discussing the suggestion that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies. The current focus is more on the causes of children's aggression rather than the argument against hitting back.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, make sure each paragraph logically follows from the previous one. Phrases that clearly link ideas between paragraphs will help guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that sentences within paragraphs are logically connected. This can be improved by expanding on each point slightly more.
structure
The essay includes an appropriate introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing the argument and rounding off the discussion.
task content
The main points are relevant and address some aspects of the prompt, such as the role of media and parental neglect in children's aggression.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • escalation of violence
  • peaceful conflict resolution
  • defuse tense situations
  • self-control
  • managing emotions
  • express themselves
  • resolve problems
  • foster a safer environment
  • lead by example
  • empathy and understanding
  • alternative strategies
  • life skills
  • retaliate
  • confrontation
  • non-violent communication
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