IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that it is best to encourage children to have a healthy diet at school while others believe that parents should be the ones to teach children to have a healthy diet.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #children #diet #school #parents #ones
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some people claim that
school
 is a suitable place for encouraging
children
 to have a healthy diet.
By contrast
 , the majority of people think first of all ,
parents
 should teach their
children
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 have a healthy diet. I will discuss both views
as well as
 my opinion.
To begin
 with , it is undeniable that
parents
 have a main role in
children
's health to eat
food
. Because
children
 learn the habit of eating in the house at first.
Then
 , they go to
school
 and society.
Hence
 ,
firstly
 ,
parents
 must warn them about unhealthy foods by showing stick notes of
food
 and tell about the details of the
food
's products.
On the other hand
 , fathers and mothers can teach their
children
 by providing healthy
food
 at home with play and race among family members.
In addition
 , they can grow vegetables in their own garden to have organic and healthy foods.
Thus
 , these vegetables can make a healthy meal for them.
On the other hand
 , other
children
 can be effective on others. Because of
this
 , almost most of the
children
 follow their friends in everything , especially for eating
food
. In my opinion ,
academies
Correct your spelling
academics
show examples
 have an important role in the health of
children
. Since they are
response
Replace the word
responding
show examples
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 issue at
school
 and everything that
children
 eat at the academy.
Moreover
 , there is a laboratory in every academy. So they can teach them with a wide variety of experiments to show harmful foods.
Additionally
 , some
children
 accept their teachers more than their
parents
 and they do
everthing
Correct your spelling
everything
 that their teachers say.
Thus
 , it is my notion that most learning is at
school
.
To sum up
 ,
Although
 some people believe that
parents
 play the main role
to teach
Change preposition
in teaching
show examples
 their
children
 healthy
food
 ,
it is clear that
 academies are essential to teaching them by creating more facilities
such
 as
laboratory
Fix the agreement mistake
laboratories
show examples
 for experiments with
food
.
Submitted by rastaebrahimifar on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure each paragraph flows logically into the next. You can achieve this by using more linking phrases and making sure each idea is clearly connected to the central argument.
Task Achievement
The main points are presented but could be supported more comprehensively. Provide specific examples and expand on how schools or parents can practically implement healthy eating routines.
General Advice
The essay contains some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. This can be improved by revising sentence structures and ensuring consistency. For example, 'they are response about this issue' should be 'they are responsible for this issue'.
Task Achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both sides of the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and relevant to the topic.
Task Achievement
The writer's perspective is clearly stated, which helps clarify the overall stance on the issue.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: