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Band 3.5

Many people believe that it is very important to make large amounts of money, while others are satisfied to earn a comfortable living. Analyze each viewpoint and take a stand. Give specific reasons and examples for your position.

#people #amounts #money #stand #position
It is argued
wheither
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whether
 people should settle for
less
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fewer
show examples
 earings or if they should work harder in order to make
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
 amount of
income
 .
in
Capitalize word
In
show examples
this
 essay
i
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I
show examples
 will discuss both
prespectives
Correct your spelling
perspectives
 and how it effects an individual's life in multiple aspects .
first,
lets
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let's
let us
show examples
 start with people who
incourages
Correct your spelling
encourages
encourage
 the importance of a higher
income
 .
they
Capitalize word
They
show examples
 believe that it is essential for them to make
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 salary . in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 do believe it would improve someone's life
such
 as being able to take care of their
famliy
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family
,
saving
Correct word choice
and saving
show examples
 up for
retirment
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retirement
.
however
 , there is another side to
this
prespective
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perspective
 if the intentions
was
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were
show examples
primarly
Correct your spelling
primarily
 focused on
matrialestic
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materialistic
 aspects
such
 as having luxurious cars ,
houses
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and houses
show examples
 . that could lead to
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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unhealthy habits
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 instance,a person working extra hours to
achive
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achieve
this
 goal which can
effect
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affect
show examples
 their
phisycal
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physical
 health .
on the other hand
 , people who suggest that having a stable minimum
income
 is acceptable .
while
 having
this
 mindset could improve someone's life by accepting what they already have , it is essential to not settle for less , and to always try to reach their highest potential
therefore
 have a higher
income
 . in
conclution
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, there has to be a balance between wanting to gain higher
income
 to improve their living but not in a way that
let's
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lets
show examples
 them
focusing
Wrong verb form
focus
show examples
primarly
Correct your spelling
primarily
 on materials.
Submitted by nouf.alkhalaifi2 on

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grammar
Make sure to proofread your work for spelling and grammatical errors. For example, 'wheither' should be 'whether,' 'incourages' should be 'encourages,' and 'phisycal' should be 'physical.'
examples
Include more specific examples to support your points. For instance, when mentioning that a higher income allows someone to save for retirement, provide an example of a real-life situation or a study that supports this.
clarity
Clarify your stance more clearly in the conclusion. The current conclusion talks about balance but does not clearly state your position on which side you lean towards.
structure
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in structuring your essay well.
ideas
The ideas presented are relevant to the topic and show an understanding of both perspectives.
depth
Your essay attempts to tackle different aspects of the issue, such as family care, retirement savings, and the negative effects of materialism.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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