IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that non-academic subjects at school should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #subjects #school #syllabus #children
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According to
 some people, art and
music
 classes should be replaced by more utilitarian subjects like science and computer classes.
While
 I understand the importance of equipping children with skills that are immediately applicable in their lives, I firmly believe that
music
education
 holds significant value and should not be discarded.
Initially
,
music
education
 influences happiness, there is no denying that
music
 ( and dancing ) makes
feel
Correct pronoun usage
one feel
show examples
 good and happy. Studies have shown that
while
 listening to
music
 the brain releases dopamine, and
this
 hormone is responsible for feeling happiness, excitement and joy.
It
Add the auxiliary verb
It has
show examples
also
 been shown that it alleviates depression,
moreover
,
music
 helps to
decreases
Change the verb
decrease
show examples
 stress
hormone
Fix the agreement mistake
hormones
show examples
 in the body, for
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
example, some surgeons play
music
 to reduce stress and anxiety,
also
Correct word choice
and also
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
helps doctors to focus,
therefore
 the benefits
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 highly
valueable
Correct your spelling
valuable
 and have the same positive effects in any field.
Additionally
,
music
education
 can forest in creative thinking skills,
researches
Fix the agreement mistake
Research
show examples
 shows that children who receive musical training
shows
Change the verb form
show
show examples
 a development in language area and solving mathematical problems, and the credit goes to making the brain used to reading
music
 and understanding rhythms and recognising patterns.
Furthermore
, creating
music
 and rhythms is based on personal effort, unlike science subjects
music
education
 does not follow rules or constants, it
rely
Change the verb form
relies
show examples
 most of the time on intellectual and free thinking and creative ideas, those benefits suggest
music
education
 supports
enhances
Wrong verb form
enhanced
show examples
 learning in other academic areas. In conclusion, there's no doubt that
music
education
 enriches student's academic and emotional skills,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 time and money
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 well spent,
therefore
,
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 should strive to maintain
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 balanced
education
, to ensure that students receive a comprehensive
education
.
Submitted by Ayreen🍒 on

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grammar
Ensure all sentences are grammatically correct and avoid run-on sentences. For example, 'It also been shown that it alleviates depression' should be 'It has also been shown that it alleviates depression'. Pay attention to verb tenses.
detail
Include some more specific examples to further illustrate how music education benefits students academically and emotionally. This will make your arguments even stronger and more convincing.
coherence
Work on refining your transitions between ideas to make the essay flow more smoothly. For instance, 'Additionally' and 'Furthermore' can be replaced with more varied transitional phrases.
content
Your essay covers the topic comprehensively and presents clear, relevant arguments for the importance of music education.
structure
You have a strong introduction and conclusion that frames your essay well, summarizing your points effectively.
evidence
The points about the benefits of music education on emotional well-being and cognitive development are well made and supported with relevant information.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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