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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, the government likes to spend more money on the arts. Some people agree with this. However, others think government should spend more on health and education. Discuss both sides and giver your opinion.

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Introduction
Opinions are divided
to
Change preposition
as to
show examples
 whether investing
money
Use synonyms
 from taxes in
arts
Use synonyms
 or whether health and education should be invested more by
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
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.
While
Linking Words
 I understand the logic behind the former view, I am still in favour of the latter.
Body paragraph 1
Those who believe that
money
Use synonyms
 from taxes should be spent on the
arts
Use synonyms
 may have several arguments. They may well argue that
arts
Use synonyms
 comprise many types of
stuffs
Change the wording
stuff
kinds of stuff
pieces of stuff
show examples
, especially
musics
Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
show examples
 and paintings, which can be learnt by many
people
Use synonyms
 interested in these activities and those who
attracted
Add a missing verb
are attracted
show examples
 by these
arts
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.
Musics
Fix the agreement mistake
Music
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 could provide
young
Correct article usage
the young
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 generation and
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
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 with
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sense of
relaxed
Replace the word
relaxation
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 which might allow
people
Use synonyms
 to learn how to play it or even just listen to the song which they like the most to serve their mind with many kinds of meaningful lyrics and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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catchy
melody
Fix the agreement mistake
melodies
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
,
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
when
show examples
people
Use synonyms
listening
Wrong verb form
listen
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 to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 song which they are really keen on, they probably hone their own efficiency at work for those who have a job and create a concentration ability for
Add an article
the student
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student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
. Another possible argument is that paintings sometimes let
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who
fanatic
Add a missing verb
are fanatic
show examples
 about drawing
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
be more creative,
therefore
Linking Words
, they are able to draw more beautiful
painting
Fix the agreement mistake
paintings
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 to serve their customers and
also
Linking Words
 encourage them to paint more creative drawings, meaning that they can approach more types of
people
Use synonyms
 who want to buy their products.
As a result
Linking Words
, every
individuals
Change to a singular noun
individual
show examples
 who
capable
Add a missing verb
is capable
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 of making the masterpiece which many
people
Use synonyms
 want to buy
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
with
Change preposition
at
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 a high price will become more affluent, thereby encouraging more
people
Use synonyms
tend
Verb problem
apply
show examples
to do
this
Linking Words
 job to earn a great deal of
money
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 which can help increase the economy
easier
Rephrase
more easily
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
Nevertheless
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, I still believe that spending more
money
Use synonyms
 on healthcare and educating individuals should be done by the
government
Use synonyms
 for numerous reasons. Chief among these is
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the taxes from the
people
Use synonyms
 who usually have their children.
Therefore
Linking Words
 most children must go to school to learn many valuable lessons in order to create their consciousness about what they going to do in the future like what their parents expect, resulting in
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 increase in the number of
student
Change to a plural noun
students
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 who will have a job and
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
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 the rate of
being succeed
Change the verb form
succeeding
show examples
,
therefore
Linking Words
 it could
strenghthen
Correct your spelling
strengthen
 the economy of the nation. The second reason is that not only the
government
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 will spend
money
Use synonyms
 on children's education but
also
Linking Words
 the
people
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's healthcare. Modern hospital facilities are the main thing that everyone will really want to be improved
does
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not
Correct your spelling
no
show examples
 matter how expensive it is. The main reason for
this
Linking Words
 would be all the ages can be ill, but if the sickness is not that terrible they could buy and take medicine at home.
However
Linking Words
, unless the illness
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
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 effect on their body and make them hurt, they are willing to move to stay in a hospital. If the hospital
ensure
Change the verb form
ensures
show examples
 places for each
individuals
Change to a singular noun
individual
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 to take a rest and
also
Linking Words
 for the
people
Use synonyms
 who will take care
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the person who
ill
Add a missing verb
is ill
show examples
, it would be much better compared to investing in
arts
Use synonyms
 which depends on different preferences.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is understandable why some may argue that
Use synonyms
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
 should be the optimal choice
that
Correct word choice
and that
show examples
 the
government
Use synonyms
 should impose a policy on spending more
money
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 it.
However
Linking Words
, I would take the view that health and education should be chosen to be the great
idea
Fix the agreement mistake
ideas
show examples
 that the
government
Use synonyms
 may invest in.

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task achievement
Your essay successfully addresses the topic and both viewpoints. However, try to develop each argument in more depth to provide a more comprehensive response. Adding more detailed examples would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on organizing your ideas more clearly and logically. The transition between ideas can be made smoother with appropriate linking words and phrases.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame the essay well.
task achievement
You covered both views of the topic, which demonstrates a balanced understanding.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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