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Some people believe that celebrating personal events is a waste of money. Others feel that these celebrations play an important role in the lives of individuals and in society as a whole. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #events #waste #money #celebrations #role #lives #individuals #society
it is relay a common belief in some people that if they celebrate personal
events
 like birthdays, new jobs or gender reveal, it is a kind of
waste
 the
money
.  
overall
, we should respect
this
 belief from the people they think it is a
waste
 of
money
 of course and
also
, we should not put
our selves
Correct your spelling
ourselves
show examples
 in conflict or argue with them because maybe they see it like that for many reasons like the socioeconomic factor. we can ask the person
they
Correct word choice
if they
show examples
 may attend any personal
events
 if they like to join or not, so we will not put them in an unlike situation.  
on the other hand
, the celebrations in general, can bring
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
joy and fun for the individuals they will attend
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
and
as well as
 it play an important role in the memory of the persons they celebrate or share the
events
 with
him
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
or
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
her
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.   in my personal opinion, we live in a community where their point of view must be respected,
due to
 their personal belief
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that it is something important for them,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that it is not a
waste
 of
money
 at all.
for example
, some of the personal
events
 in my life that
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 celebrated and shared
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
with my relatives or friends it is something
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 can not forget even if I am getting old and it is saved in my memory until now
due to
Change preposition
because
show examples
 it was something
mean full
Replace the word
meaningful
show examples
 for me.  
to sum up
, some individuals like to make planes and prepare gifts for personal
events
 that mean special moments for them
such
 as birthdays which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 common
events
 that people enjoy celebrating, and some they are see it as a
waste
 of
money
 and time.
Submitted by llaora on

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task achievement
You provided perspectives on both sides of the issue and gave a personal opinion, which is important for Task Achievement. However, the examples given were somewhat limited. Try to include more specific examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is somewhat logically structured, but it lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. Improving the structure will make your essay easier to follow. Make sure to start with an introductory paragraph that presents the topic, and conclude with a summary and restatement of your opinion.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and should be more logically connected to the next. Transition signals are quite important to guide the reader through your argument smoothly. Work on improving these transitions.
language use
There were some grammatical errors and awkward sentences that affected clarity. Reviewing and practicing grammar can help improve the clarity of your ideas.
task achievement
You addressed both views and provided your own opinion, which hits the task response criteria well.
task achievement
You made a valid point about how personal celebrations create lasting memories, supporting your opinion well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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