Around the world, people are now living longer than ever before in the past. Some say an ageing population creates problems for goverments. Others believe there are benefits to society having more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of possessing an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?
Nowadays, thanks to
the
Correct article usage
apply
mordern
medical care, people seem to extend their lifespan longer compared to the past. Correct your spelling
modern
This
elderly population
are contributing more benefits to society, however
, they also
cost more for government's
welfare.
On the one hand, it is obvious that the ageing people are the ones who have the wisdom and experiences. If they continue in charge of leadership in the organization, it must save a lot of time and expense for newbie staff. The young employees can learn the right way and avoid their mistakes by listening to the elder's Correct article usage
the government's
instruction
.
Fix the agreement mistake
instructions
On the other hand
, the elders's management sometimes becomes over-judged or bossy to the younger. This
point may cause the newbie staff to be afraid of raising their new ideas, and for a long-term period
it may limit the creative character and slow down the development of the operation.
In fact, in most Add a comma
period,
the
nations that have an old Correct article usage
apply
population
, their governments have to face the issues of pensions, nursing home centres, and healthcare treatments... Japan is a specific example, they are suffering economic crises due to
unflexible business management by ageing leadership for the last
decade. It also
causes the increasing of unemployment
rate, the inexperient workers have no chance to compare to the big amount of the elders. Public transportations Add an article
the unemployment
aslo
offer them free tickets. Correct your spelling
also
However
, the heathcare
businesses would enjoy these potential clients.
In conclusion, balancing the advantages and the disadvantages of the ageing Correct your spelling
healthcare
population
is a significant issue that all governors have to deal with. Let's see the most happiness country in the world like Finland, Sweden, Canada... They also
have the
old age Correct article usage
an
population
, however
, they have done well.Submitted by minhchau8487 on
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task achievement
Make sure to address the question more directly in your introduction and conclusion. Your current introduction and conclusion are a bit general and could be more focused on the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population. This will help improve your task response score.
task achievement
Try to use more specific examples to support your points. Currently, your examples are somewhat vague. For instance, mentioning specific instances where elderly leadership has been beneficial or detrimental would make your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a clear structure, some parts can be made smoother. For instance, the transition between discussing the wisdom of elderly people and their potential to be over-judged could be smoother. Ensure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next.
language accuracy
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, such as 'mordern' instead of 'modern', 'elders's' instead of 'elders'' or 'elder's', and 'inexperient' which should be 'inexperienced'. These minor errors can distract the reader.
task achievement
You have made some good points about the benefits and drawbacks of an aging population, such as the wisdom and experience they bring and the potential economic strain they can cause.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. This structure helps in making your argument easy to follow.
task achievement
Your essay begins with a strong, relevant point about modern medical care allowing people to live longer, which sets a good context for the discussion.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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