IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Governments give lots of support to artists, even though some people think it is a waste of money that could have been spent better elsewhere. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#governments #lots #support #artists #people #waste #money
In
this
 modern world, there is an ongoing debate about whether
authorities
 are paying
much
Rephrase
too much
show examples
 attention to
artists
 and neglecting other factors or whether it is a good way to support their
belief
Fix the agreement mistake
beliefs
show examples
 and other
ways
. I believe that focusing on each of
the
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 equally will have a majority of advantages
that
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 good for people and
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
.
To begin
 with,
artists
 are being focused
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their domination
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 society and being highly paid or their apartments are being built for them by
authorities
 so that they will work
hard
Rephrase
apply
show examples
hard for them in many
ways
.
Additionally
, the more they are spending a lot of money on them will
also
 be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good idea for
authorities
 to support themselves in numerous
ways
 namely
selections
Fix the agreement mistake
selection
show examples
, voting, and
co-operation
Correct your spelling
cooperation
show examples
.
For example
, In Mongolia, it is common
that
Correct word choice
for
show examples
artists
become
Fix the infinitive
to become
show examples
 one representative of
authorities
Correct article usage
the authorities
show examples
 and develop their partnership in a long way so that fans of the
artists
 would hear them and choose the authority when it is time to
selection
Replace the word
select
show examples
.
Accordingly
, we have a majority of problems with equality of
selections
Fix the agreement mistake
selection
show examples
 among citizens.
However
, focusing on
artists
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
increasing their salaries and neglecting the environment of the city will lead to some problems.
Firstly
, if all taxes that are being paid by citizens will be spent on
artists
,
salaries
Correct article usage
the salaries
show examples
 of governmental workers will rapidly decrease so that inflation will dominate.
Secondly
, rather than
artists
, workers namely
doctor
Fix the agreement mistake
doctors
show examples
,
teachers
, firefighters, and officers are working hard for citizens for their peaceful lives.
Furthermore
, if we support them permanently in good
ways
, their hard work will be valued.
For example
, in today's world, singers are being highly paid because of their
song
Fix the agreement mistake
songs
show examples
,
however
,
teachers
Change noun form
teachers'
teacher's
show examples
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
show examples
 are less than 300 bucks but
artists
 get at least 300 bucks.
Accordingly
,
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of
teachers
 has decreased and people are not choosing to become
teachers
 to educate kids.
Overall
,
although
artists
 play
Correct article usage
an imfortant
show examples
imfortant
Correct your spelling
important
 role in
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
show examples
 world, it is not adequate to neglect
othe
Correct your spelling
other
 factors.
Submitted by nazim200709 on

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task achievement
Provide more concrete and relevant examples to strengthen the arguments. Specific examples will give more weight to the discussion and illustrate points more effectively.
task achievement
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and further develop it with supporting details. This will enhance the clarity and depth of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure can be improved by ensuring each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Use transitional phrases to connect ideas and maintain the flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The introduction can be clearer and more effective by explicitly stating the thesis. Summarize the main points that will be discussed in the essay upfront.
coherence cohesion
Revise the conclusion to clearly summarize the main points discussed in the body paragraphs and restate the thesis. This will provide a stronger closure to the essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses both views about government support for artists. The writer provides their opinion and attempts to balance the advantages and drawbacks of the issue.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally organized with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • government patronage
  • cultural heritage
  • national identity
  • creative industries
  • unnecessary expense
  • essential services
  • democratize
  • private patronage
  • market forces
  • innovation
  • boost tourism
  • subjective nature
  • allocated ineffectively
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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