IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

All parents want the best opportunities for their children. There are some people who think that schools should teach children skills but others think having a range of subjects is better for a children’s future.Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#parents #opportunities #children #people #schools #skills #range #subjects #children’s #future
These days, people are divided into two groups. The first group
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
thinks that schools should teach children
skills
 and another group thinks would be better to have a range of subjects for
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children’s future. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both sides and my opinion which I will support with examples.
Firstly
, many people think that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education in
school
 is the process of learning subjects
such
 as History, Biology, Geometry and so on.
For example
, many parents ask their children to study well as
this
knowledges
Fix the agreement mistake
knowledge
show examples
 will give them opportunities to get a better job.
This
 is not bad to think like that but I will give you reasons why I completely disagree with
this
 statement a little bit later.
Secondly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others think that
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 should teach children
skills
. Let’s move on to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
communication
skills
. What I mean by
this
 is that as a child you need to be able to make new friends, sometimes it could be
skills
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
 how to speak with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people who are older than you.
For instance
, when I was in
school
 I
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 get higher
grade
Fix the agreement mistake
grades
show examples
 just only because
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
I had good relationships with teachers. From my point of view, as I said previously I absolutely disagree with the statement about subjects.
Furthermore
, you won’t use any
knowledges
Fix the agreement mistake
knowledge
show examples
 from
school
 in your real work tasks. Let’s look at
case
Add an article
the case
a case
show examples
 from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real life when
person
Add an article
the person
a person
show examples
 who studied at
school
 well works for
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 person who
was not do
Change the verb form
did not do
show examples
 that well.
Moreover
,
while
 you are trying to cheat in your exams or
school
 tests you are developing creativity.
Submitted by vladkruglovfencer on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay presents a clear discussion of both perspectives on whether schools should focus on teaching skills or a range of subjects. However, to improve, ensure that each point you make is directly relevant to the question and supported with specific examples or evidence. For instance, the example about good relationships with teachers could be further explained in terms of the skills it develops.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, try to make your ideas flow more logically. Use transition words and phrases to connect your ideas better. Additionally, some of your points, especially in the second body paragraph, need more depth and explanation to be more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
There is an introduction and conclusion, but they can be more effective. Try to better introduce the topic at the beginning and clearly summarize your main points in the conclusion. This will make your essay more cohesive and easier to follow.
task achievement
You have clearly stated your opinion and discussed both sides of the argument. This shows good understanding of the question's requirements.
task achievement
Your essay shows personal engagement with the topic, especially when you give personal examples. This adds a unique perspective and demonstrates that you are thinking critically about the subject.
coherence cohesion
The overall structure of your essay—introduction, body, conclusion—is a good starting point. It provides a clear framework for your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Practical skills
  • Financial literacy
  • Cognitive development
  • Critical thinking
  • Well-rounded education
  • Independence
  • Real-life situations
  • Cognitive development
  • Broader understanding
  • Ideal education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!