IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that young people who commit serious crimes should be punished in the same way as adults . Do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #adults
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The debate of how to handle youngsters who commit serious crimes is controversial, with some arguing for equal treatment alongside adult
offenders
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.
However
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, I firmly disagree with
this
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 stance, as these children are under
bad
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the bad
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 influence of the environment and could ruin the future of our society as well. Children and adolescents are often influenced by external factors beyond their control,
such
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 as dysfunctional family environments or negative peer pressure, which can significantly impact their decision-making abilities.
Additionally
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, from both legal and psychological perspectives, young people may lack the mental maturity and sound judgment of adults, a factor that should be considered when determining appropriate consequences. Treating young
offenders
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 like adult criminals could have severe repercussions, potentially pushing them
further
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 into a life of crime.
Instead
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 of providing opportunities for rehabilitation and reintegration,
such
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 an approach may expose them to
harsh
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the harsh
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 realities of the adult criminal justice system and dangerous associations within prison environments, reinforcing negative
behaviors
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behaviours
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 and making it more difficult for them to rebuild their lives positively.
While
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 serious crimes by minors cannot go unpunished, a more nuanced and rehabilitative approach is necessary. Establishing specialized institutions or programs tailored to young
offenders
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 could prove more effective in addressing the root causes of their actions and facilitating their successful reintegration. These programs should focus on comprehensive support, including
counseling
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counselling
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, education, vocational training, and fostering positive peer interactions, ultimately empowering these individuals to become productive and law-abiding citizens. In conclusion,
while
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 the severity of crimes should not be overlooked, treating young
offenders
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 like adults is a misguided and potentially counterproductive approach. A rehabilitative system that recognizes their unique circumstances and provides necessary support is essential for ensuring their successful reintegration and preventing
further
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 criminal
behavior
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behaviour
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.
Submitted by hosein9es1 on

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task achievement
While the essay provides a clear stance and addresses the prompt effectively, incorporating more specific examples would strengthen the argument. Examples could include real-life cases or statistics that illustrate the impact of treating young offenders differently from adults.
coherence cohesion
The essay should ensure consistent use of cohesive devices to connect sentences and paragraphs. This would enhance the flow and make the argument more persuasive.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly outlines the writer's stance, setting the tone for the rest of the essay. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces the argument.
logical structure
The essay maintains a logical structure, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. This helps the reader follow the reasoning easily.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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