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Writing Samples
Band 5

Topic: Nowadays in many countries people are following the latest fashion, hairstyle and so on. Why are they so influenced by fashion? Is it a positive or negative development?

#topic #countries #people #fashion #hairstyle #development
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These days new versions of
fashion
Use synonyms
,
hairstyle
Fix the agreement mistake
hairstyles
show examples
 and so on play the most tangible role in order to update
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
customers about new products because the
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 for selling them are being increased annually in many countries;
however
Linking Words
, individuals are extremely influenced by them negatively. To commence with,
people
Use synonyms
 are following the latest version of
fashion
Use synonyms
 and hairstyle
because of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 some reasons.
In other words
Linking Words
, new companies want to attend a competition to raise their salaries, so they make some attractions to sell their goods as well.
As a result
Linking Words
, nowadays
people
Use synonyms
 mostly youngsters are exposed to
addiction
Correct article usage
an addiction
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
fashion
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, generation Z and teenagers
Add a missing verb
are incline
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incline
Replace the word
inclined
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 to follow fashions whenever they engage
a
Change preposition
in a
show examples
conversation with their friends or
while
Linking Words
 they are visiting commercial breaks which famous
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
show examples
 play a pivotal role
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 them.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
general
Add an article
the general
show examples
 public
think
Change the verb form
thinks
show examples
 that they will be so special and unique when they utilize the
fashion
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
new
Correct article usage
the new
show examples
 generation
share
Change the verb form
shares
show examples
 their photos and publish them on social media when they change their hairstyle with the latest version of
fashion
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the more
Use synonyms
fashion
Correct article usage
the fashion
show examples
 industry is developed, the more
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
confidence
Use synonyms
 will appear.
In other words
Linking Words
, individuals believe that if they want to get rid
off
Replace the word
of
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 ugly appearance,
you
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can tackle
this
Linking Words
 difficulty
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
fashion
Use synonyms
;
thus
Linking Words
, the population
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
 less
self
Add a hyphen
self-confidence
show examples
confidence
Use synonyms
 will go up.
In addition
Linking Words
, individuals prefer to
spent
Change the verb
spend
show examples
 their money on
fashion
Use synonyms
;
therefore
Linking Words
, most of their budget
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 spent on purchasing
fashion
Use synonyms
 products or changing their hairstyles.
Moreover
Linking Words
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 suffer from mental ailments.
According to
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
CNN, approximately 56%
people
Use synonyms
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
French suffer from mental problems which is caused by loss of
confidence
Use synonyms
 and the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
 refers to extra attention to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fashion
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
fashion
Correct article usage
the fashion
show examples
 industry damages the environment.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
Correct article usage
an Italian’s
show examples
Italian’s
Change noun form
Italian
show examples
 documentary, after each
fashion
Use synonyms
 show, nearly 85% of clothes are thrown out and the cotton of them
hurt
Wrong verb form
hurts
show examples
 the universe.
To sum up
Linking Words
, despite the fact that
people
Use synonyms
 are exposed to
follow
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
new versions of
fashion
Use synonyms
, mental diseases, loss of
confidence
Use synonyms
 and environmental challenges
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are the negative
impact
Fix the agreement mistake
impacts
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Submitted by abhari1997 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try to ensure that your essay flows smoothly from one idea to the next. Use linking words and phrases to connect your sentences and paragraphs better.
task achievement
For a stronger task response, elaborate more on the points presented. Ensure you fully explain your ideas and provide more detailed examples to support your arguments.
task achievement
To achieve a higher band score, focus on developing clear and comprehensive ideas. Avoid repetition and strive to provide a balanced view on whether the development is positive or negative.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame the discussion effectively.
relevant specific examples
You have provided some relevant examples to support your points, which adds credibility to your arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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