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Band 4.5

There are several factors that motivate people to stay in the workforce, and money is the most important factor. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#factors #people #workforce #money #factor
Its
Replace the word
It's
It is
show examples
 undeniable getting
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 salary will keep the
employees
 in
one
place
 for
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long term. Beyond that
job
 satisfaction and courtesy can hold them in
one
place
 to
work
 for longer periods. In my
perspective
Add a comma
perspective,
show examples
 the latter point is valid
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because it can make the
employees
 feel safer and
comfort
Replace the word
comfortable
show examples
.
Hence
, they are staying where they get respect. At first glance, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people are willing to
work
 in
one
place
 after they
completed
Wrong verb form
complete
show examples
degree
Add an article
a degree
show examples
 from an authorized
universities
Fix the agreement mistake
university
show examples
 or
institutions
Fix the agreement mistake
institution
show examples
.
Moreover
,
employees
are anticipating
Wrong verb form
anticipate
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
substantial remuneration from their employers
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
each month
also
 they want to make a good relationship with them. Most of the companies are giving additional benefits to their
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
employees
. To illustrate,
my
Change preposition
in my
show examples
 country there is
one
 automobile industry
this
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 has given a
job
 to the
workers
Change to a genitive case
worker's
workers'
show examples
 offspring.
In addition
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people are willing to stay in
the
Change the word
their
show examples
comfortable
Replace the word
comfort
show examples
 zone.
Thus
, they
are choosing
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
 to
work
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
place
 they
got
Verb problem
have
show examples
 self-esteem.
Though
Correct word choice
However
show examples
, salary
also
one
 of the vital
factor
Fix the agreement mistake
factors
show examples
 for
work
,
therefore
 some people
changing
Wrong verb form
change
show examples
 their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 adequately, thereby, they
abandoned
Wrong verb form
abandon
show examples
 their main
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 and
work
 in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
different
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
 which are not associated
their
Change preposition
with their
show examples
academic
Fix the agreement mistake
academics
show examples
 and
this
 will not push them in a forward direction.
To sum up
, everyone should
grownup
Correct your spelling
grow up
show examples
 in their life
for
Change preposition
because
show examples
 that
job
 will give much confidence them.
Additionally
, getting more salary will not give a peaceful life beyond that
job
 greed is
also
 important to keep the employee’s long time in their life
as well as
work
Correct your spelling
workplace
show examples
place
.
Submitted by smsundaram57 on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the task prompt but could benefit from more precise and comprehensive arguments. Try to include more detailed examples and explanations to support your points.
coherence cohesion
The coherence and cohesion of the essay are adequate, but the logical flow can be improved. Work on transitioning more smoothly between points to create a more seamless narrative.
grammar and accuracy
There are frequent grammatical errors that affect readability. Proofread your essay or use grammar checking tools to minimize these errors. Improving sentence structures will also help.
clarity
The essay presents a clear point of view on the topic, making it easier for the reader to understand the writer's stance.
support and evidence
Some parts of the essay include useful examples to support the ideas presented. This is a good practice and should be expanded upon.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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