There are several factors that motivate people to stay in the workforce, and money is the most important factor. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Its
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It's
It is
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undeniable getting
high
Correct article usage
a high
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salary will keep the
employees
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in
one
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place
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for
a
Correct article usage
the
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long term. Beyond that
job
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satisfaction and courtesy can hold them in
one
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place
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to
work
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for longer periods. In my
perspective
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perspective,
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the latter point is valid
,
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apply
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because it can make the
employees
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feel safer and
comfort
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comfortable
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.
Hence
Linking Words
, they are staying where they get respect. At first glance, most
of
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people are willing to
work
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in
one
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place
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after they
completed
Wrong verb form
complete
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degree
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a degree
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from an authorized
universities
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university
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or
institutions
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institution
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.
Moreover
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,
employees
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are anticipating
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anticipate
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for
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apply
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substantial remuneration from their employers
in
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apply
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each month
also
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they want to make a good relationship with them. Most of the companies are giving additional benefits to their
long term
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long-term
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employees
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. To illustrate,
my
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in my
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country there is
one
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automobile industry
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this
Correct pronoun usage
that
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has given a
job
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to the
workers
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worker's
workers'
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offspring.
In addition
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to
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apply
show examples
, most
of
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apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people are willing to stay in
the
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their
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comfortable
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comfort
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zone.
Thus
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, they
are choosing
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choose
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to
work
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which
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in which
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place
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they
got
Verb problem
have
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self-esteem.
Though
Correct word choice
However
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, salary
also
Linking Words
one
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of the vital
factor
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factors
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for
work
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,
therefore
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some people
changing
Wrong verb form
change
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their
career
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careers
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adequately, thereby, they
abandoned
Wrong verb form
abandon
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their main
career
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careers
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and
work
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in
a
Correct article usage
apply
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different
field
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fields
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which are not associated
their
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with their
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academic
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academics
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and
this
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will not push them in a forward direction.
To sum up
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, everyone should
grownup
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grow up
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in their life
for
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because
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that
job
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will give much confidence them.
Additionally
Linking Words
, getting more salary will not give a peaceful life beyond that
job
Use synonyms
greed is
also
Linking Words
important to keep the employee’s long time in their life
as well as
Linking Words
Use synonyms
work
Correct your spelling
workplace
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place
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by smsundaram57 on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the task prompt but could benefit from more precise and comprehensive arguments. Try to include more detailed examples and explanations to support your points.
coherence cohesion
The coherence and cohesion of the essay are adequate, but the logical flow can be improved. Work on transitioning more smoothly between points to create a more seamless narrative.
grammar and accuracy
There are frequent grammatical errors that affect readability. Proofread your essay or use grammar checking tools to minimize these errors. Improving sentence structures will also help.
clarity
The essay presents a clear point of view on the topic, making it easier for the reader to understand the writer's stance.
support and evidence
Some parts of the essay include useful examples to support the ideas presented. This is a good practice and should be expanded upon.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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