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Band 4.5

“Nowadays children are undisciplined because their parents are busy with their career.” To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What could parents do to build a sense of discipline among children?

#“nowadays #children #parents #career #sense #discipline
As we have entered another new form of economic crisis under the current political-economy condition, the financial burden for working-class
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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 is greater than ever. For those who have
kids
,
this
 burden doubles, if not triples.
Often times
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Oftentimes
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,
this
 issue immediately translates to the increase
of
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in
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 working
hour
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hours
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 the parents take in order to get a bigger take-home pay. Even when it's done for the advancement of their respective careers is no great matter, as the ultimate goal is in the end about the material gains
such
 progress
bring
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brings
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 to the table. The fact that they
then
 not
being
Verb problem
apply
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able to supervise and put 100% effort
for
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into
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 their children, making these
kids
 "indolent" and
such
, is not a simplistic causative argument one should make hastily. For it is the absence of
the
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apply
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job security that leads to
such
 precarious
condition
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conditions
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 of life that makes parents unable to be present as much as they need it in their
kids
'
life
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lives
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. Adding to
this
 is the atomization of the traditional nuclear family -- the separation of one family
to
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from
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 the other, or rather the exclusion of another form of community
besides
 the nuclear family -- that made
the
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apply
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taking care of children an individual task of the family, rather than the collective action of the society. For these reasons, we should not see
such
 issue of "nonchalant
kids
" merely as a detached, atomized issue parents should deal
alone
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with alone
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. To "build a sense of discipline" in children, it should take the whole of society in which inequality and job insecurity cease to exist.
Submitted by arsyiiimuhammad061 on

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task response
Your essay has an interesting perspective on the economic burden on working-class families and its impact on children. However, to better meet the task response criterion, make sure to fully address all parts of the question. You should clearly state whether you agree or disagree with the opinion and provide specific ways parents can build a sense of discipline among children.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, try to use more linking words and phrases that connect your ideas smoothly. Ensure a clear introduction that outlines your stance and a conclusion that summarizes your main points and provides closure to your discussion.
task response
While your ideas are thoughtful, they could be presented more clearly and comprehensively. Make sure to provide specific examples to support your arguments. Examples make abstract ideas more concrete and help clarify your points.
positive feedback
Your essay addresses a complex and relevant issue, showing a deep understanding of socioeconomic factors affecting families.
positive feedback
The vocabulary and expressions used in the essay are varied and sophisticated, which enhances quality of writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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