IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many helath problems. Sugery products should be more economical to encourage people to consume less sugar

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #helath #sugery #people
These days there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 considerable manufactured
food
 and
drink
products
 with more sugar concentrations , which lead to different types of human diseases .
Therefor
Correct your spelling
Therefore
show examples
 some people suggest rising
prices
 of sugary
products
 ,
while
 other
indviduals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 refuse
this
 opinion . In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will explore the pros and cons of the issue that sugary
products
 should be more economical and try to draw some conclusions .
At
Change preposition
In
show examples
 the
begining
Correct your spelling
beginning
, I will start looking at the benefits of
upgrowing
Correct article usage
the upgrowing
show examples
 of sugary
products
Fix the agreement mistake
product
show examples
prices
 . One of the major plus
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
 , if sugary
food
 and
drink
products
 become more
unaffordabe
Correct your spelling
unaffordable
affordable
then
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 number of consumers will decrease .
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
 the diseases caused by it
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 Diabetes Mellitus , Obesity and Heart
proplems
Correct your spelling
problems
will become
lessmore
Correct your spelling
less more
.
For instance
 , one research article stated that ,
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
 of obesity among youngsters in the UK
deceased
Correct your spelling
decreased
show examples
 by 14 % after
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
sugary
Change preposition
in sugary
show examples
food
 and
drink
products
Fix the agreement mistake
product
show examples
 bills.
On the other hand
 , the
disadvantges
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
disadvantage
 of sugary
food
 and
drink
products
becomes
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 more expensive . Some individuals argue that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
sugary
food
include
Correct subject-verb agreement
includes
show examples
 some types of
food
 that really
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 paramount
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
importance in diets and we eat it every day .
For instance
,
breads
Change the wording
bread
pieces of bread
loaves of bread
slices of bread
show examples
 and pasta, so if it becomes more expensive it will not only influence our
food
 lifestyle , but
furthermore
Add a comma
furthermore,
show examples
 some people
would'nt
Correct your spelling
wouldn't
 be able to buy the most important
food
 to them .
To conclude
 , there are benefits and
disadvantges
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
 of
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 sugary
food
products
prices
 ,
inspite
Correct your spelling
in spite
 of
fact
Add an article
the fact
show examples
 that
its
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
impact
Correct subject-verb agreement
impacts
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
our
food
 lifestyle
also
Correct word choice
and also
show examples
 it will figure out obesity dilemma . Personally, I believe that increased
prices
 of sugary
food
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
Correct article usage
an invaluble
show examples
invaluble
Correct your spelling
invaluable
 effect on human health and life will be better with
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 problems .
Submitted by ahmedaloqaili53 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
Make sure to proofread your essay to correct any grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors. These small inaccuracies can affect the clarity of your writing.
examples
Try to provide more detailed and specific examples to support your points. This will help to strengthen your argument and make your essay more convincing.
conclusion
Enhance your conclusion by summarizing the main points more clearly and restating your position strongly.
argument
You have effectively identified the two sides of the argument and have discussed both the benefits and disadvantages of raising the prices of sugary products.
structure
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: