IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#minutes #topic #countries #amount #crime
The reason why crime is increasing in many countries is because some
of
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apply
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people have their own needs, but they can'
t
 afford their needs because they have no money. So, they start to
doing
Verb problem
commit
show examples
 crimes in order to get the money
instanly
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instantly
. Another reason, many
of
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apply
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people don'
t
 want to work hard, they are lazy and want to achieve something big with minimum effort. I think
this
 kind of character makes them think about something that can give them instant
result
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results
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such
 as robbing, stealing, or maybe being a hitman. But not every person
have
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has
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 that
characters
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character
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, some people want to work but there are no
job
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jobs
show examples
 that accept them. Or maybe in some
country
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countries
show examples
, their
labour
rate
 is below the inflation
rate
 so they still can'
t
fulfill
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fulfil
show examples
 their needs
eventhough
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even though
 they have an income. As an
examples
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example
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, in
Indonesia
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Indonesia,
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 we have
labour
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a labour
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rate
around
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of around
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 IDR 3.800.000 (for Bandung Area) in a month, but in comparison
labour
rate
 in another country
such
 as Australia is around AUD 800 in a week. If we do
convertion
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conversion
 to IDR,
labour
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the labour
show examples
rate
 in Australia is around IDR 32.000.000 in a month. For now, the issue
about
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of
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 the
labour
rate
 should be
a government responsibilities
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a government responsibility
government responsibilities
show examples
, because the
scoop
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scope
show examples
 of the problem is too big to be solved by one person only. But for me and our generation, we should be
awake
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aware
show examples
 that if we can'
t
 afford a good
education
 quality for our future children
then
 maybe it's not our time to have
that responsibilities
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that responsibility
those responsibilities
show examples
. Because when we can'
t
 afford good
education
 most likely we won'
t
 have a good job.
Also
, when we don'
t
 have a good
education
, we will have a mindset that
want
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wants
show examples
 something big
instanly
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instantly
 which is almost impossible.
Education
 will bring us to
good
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a good
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 mindset and teach us
softskill
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soft skill
soft skills
soft-skill
 in
the
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apply
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society, so we won'
t
 think that doing crimes is our
wayout
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way out
.
Submitted by kelly on

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introduction conclusion present
Although the essay addresses the question, it lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. Adding these elements will help structure your argument more effectively, guiding the reader smoothly from one point to the next.
supported main points
Ensure that each main point is clearly supported with specific examples and reasons. The essay mentions some examples, such as labor rates, but could develop these points further to strengthen the argument.
clear comprehensive ideas
Try to use more varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures to enhance the richness of your writing. For instance, instead of repeating words like 'crime' and 'labor rate,' you can use synonyms or rephrase sentences to maintain the reader's interest.
clear comprehensive ideas
It’s important to maintain a formal tone in academic writing. Avoid using informal expressions and strive for a more polished and academic feel throughout the essay.
complete response
The essay addresses multiple potential causes of crime, such as financial needs, laziness, and inadequate labor rates, showcasing the writer's ability to analyze the issue from different angles.
relevant specific examples
The essay demonstrates awareness of socio-economic conditions in different countries by making a comparison between Indonesia and Australia, which helps in contextualizing the argument.
clear comprehensive ideas
The writer provides a potential solution, emphasizing the importance of education in preventing crime, which reflects a thoughtful approach to the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
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