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Band 5.5

it is more important for school children to learn about their local history than the world history. Do you agree or disagree?

#school #children #history #world
In
this
 day and age,
history
has been
Wrong verb form
is
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 a subject
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in
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among
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in
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 most schools worldwide. There is a heated controversy about whether
students
’ national
history
 weighs more than global
history
 or not. From my perspective, I do not support any of them, putting forward that these two types of
history
 are of equal significance. It is indisputable that local
history
 is vital for youths to have a better understanding of their culture. As culture derives and evolves with
history
, by learning the historical events happening
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to
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on
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to
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 their ancestors, they can definitely have a superior understanding of the root of their culture, which can augment their cultural identity
as well as
 ethnic pride, contributing to social cohesion. What is more, they can reckon the barricades on the way of their countries’ development, motivating them to cherish the present and strive for a brighter future.
For example
,
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by understanding
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understanding
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by understanding
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 the trauma brought
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about by
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by
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about by
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Second
Correct article usage
the Second
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 World War, European teenagers can foster
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apply
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them
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apply
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the concept of peace and prevent destructive war
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from occurring
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occurring
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from occurring
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 again.
However
, it doesn’t automatically mean that the importance of global
history
 can be disparaged.
To begin
 with, for some historical events, different countries recorded them in separate ways, providing
students
 with more details, so they can have a more objective view on the developments of humanity.
Also
, there was a considerable gap between the routes of different countries’ developments.
Students
 could compare what happened across different countries in the meantime through the expertise in
this
 syllabus, training them to discover the merits and drawbacks of their development methods. They are
thus
 encouraged to think critically rather than following the description
Change preposition
in
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on
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in
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 their textbooks discriminately, which is an essential ability in their future lives. In a nutshell, learning domestic
history
 can nurture the
students
Correct article usage
apply
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a
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apply
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sense of belonging and social cohesion
while
 acquiring the knowledge of world
history
 can boost the thoughts of critical thinking. These two courses are crucial to the same level for
students
.
Submitted by christianwang on

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coherence cohesion
Clarify and simplify some of the complex sentence structures for easier readability. This will enhance overall comprehension and make your arguments more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Use more transitional phrases to connect ideas smoothly between paragraphs. This will improve the flow of the essay.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. While the example of the Second World War is relevant, additional specific instances can make your points stronger.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph stays focused on a single main idea to maintain clarity and cohesion throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a good structure for the reader.
task achievement
The discussion is balanced, presenting both the importance of local history and global history effectively.
task achievement
The use of sophisticated vocabulary and varied sentence structures shows a strong command of the English language.
task achievement
The example given (Second World War) is relevant and effectively supports the point about the importance of local history.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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