IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people says that it is a waste of public money to spend on cultural events, others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #waste #money #events
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The government spend a million dollars per year
to
Change preposition
on
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 cultural
events
Use synonyms
 like forums, national days and holidays. One part of society
think
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thinks
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 that
this
Linking Words
 is a waste of
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
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, because we have more relevant fields,
which
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in which
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 our country can invest
this
Linking Words
money
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, like science, charity and education. But others believe that cultural
events
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, which are organized by
government
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the government
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, rally the
nation
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 and can be a way to fight globalization. In my opinion, culture is the main part of our lives that we need to protect and contribute
money
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. In the contemporary world,
countries
Use synonyms
 try to reduce the amount of
money
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 which is going to unnecessary
events
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 like traditions and ethnic differences of
nation
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. Because spending on these activities is disproportionate to
Correct article usage
the country
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country
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country's
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 budget.
For instance
Linking Words
, the UK invested around a million pounds to organize their annual traditional meeting with the royal family.
Likewise
Linking Words
, the research of creating biodegradable material needs a lot less
money
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.
However
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,
i
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I
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 think that cultural
events
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 have the same role as science, economics and politics.
Nevertheless
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,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 globalization is
the
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apply
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one of the main global problems and
countries
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 are attempting to save their ethnic differences by organizing cultural
events
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. Because
this
Linking Words
 improves the unity of the
nation
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 and the competitive ability of
country
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the country
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.
For instance
Linking Words
,
countries
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 in
south-east
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Southeast
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 Asia are some of the top leaders in the world, but they developed their economies and politics by using their own conventional peculiarities.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I strongly agree that we need cultural activities. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 sometimes medicine, science and economics are more important than
a
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apply
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culture, I believe that cultural
events
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 save traditions and differences of the
nation
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. It is predicted that in the future more and more
countries
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 will lose their identity and conventional
events
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 are the one way to save a culture.
Submitted by zhanelsakhimova on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay could benefit from a clearer structure. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and stays focused on it. A more precise structure will improve the clarity and flow of your ideas.
task achievement
While you have addressed both sides of the argument, providing more specific examples and elaborating on your points would strengthen your response. Try to balance your examples so they equally support both views discussed.
language
Your essay contains some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing (e.g., 'the UK invested around a million pounds to organize their annual traditional meeting with the royal family'). Make sure to proofread your work or use grammar check tools to improve sentence structure and grammar.
task achievement
You provide a clear opinion and justify it, which is key to a good IELTS essay. Keep expressing your views clearly like this.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and you clearly state the points to be discussed which makes it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
You have effectively mentioned the role of globalization and how cultural events can be a solution to retain national identity, which enriches your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • allocating
  • pressing needs
  • prioritized
  • non-essential
  • luxury
  • taxpayers' money
  • economic hardship
  • underfunded
  • proponents
  • cultural heritage
  • social cohesion
  • boosting tourism
  • enrich
  • educational opportunities
  • fostering
  • sense of pride
  • encouraging unity
  • diverse groups
  • positive economic impact
  • attracting tourists
  • stimulating local economies
  • foundational sectors
  • adequately funded
  • integral part
  • nation's identity
  • accessible platform
  • engaging with
  • appreciating
  • returns
  • initial investment
  • worthwhile
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