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Writing Samples /
Band 2

Many people today spend most of their free time at home watching TV series or movies instead of going out. Do You think this is right or wrong ?

#people #time #home #tv #series #movies #right
In today's world , most
of
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apply
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the
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apply
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individuals spend their leisure
time
by
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watching television or films
in
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at
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the
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apply
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home rather than going outside .
This
 is not right, because these activities become the reason
of
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for
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 obesity
as well as
 less social
intraction
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interaction
. I will discuss the reasons
along with
 the solution in the upcoming paragraphs . Why
people
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do people
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 spend most of their free
time
 in indoor activities
.
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?
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 The first and
the
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foremost reason is
advancement
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the advancement
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 in technology .
In other words
 ,
due to
 the advancement in technology , not only
the
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individuals have access to
the
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mobile phones but
also
 even
the
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children.
This
 habit
enhance
Change the verb form
enhances
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 the disease
such
 as obesity .
For instance
:-
According to
 the given reports in the newspaper , more than half of the children out of 100
having
Wrong verb form
have
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 the problem of obesity .
Therefore
 ,
this
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
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of
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in
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 spending
time
 in the homes on electronic devices . Apart from that , spending most of their
time
 with electronic gadgets leads
the
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to the
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 problem of social isolation . To clarify
it
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apply
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, spending most of their hours in front of Tv for watching serials and movies
Submitted by sainisonia422 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction and body paragraphs, but it lacks a definite conclusion. Adding a concluding paragraph that summarizes your main points will improve coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that every paragraph fully develops a single idea and that there are clear transitions between ideas. Review how each paragraph progresses to the next to make your argument flow logically.
task achievement
While you presented a couple of reasons why staying at home to watch TV is problematic, you need more specific examples and deeper analysis to support your points. For instance, cite specific studies or real-life examples to back up your claims about obesity and social isolation.
task achievement
Expand on the solutions you briefly mentioned you would discuss. Dedicate part of the essay to propose and explain viable alternatives or solutions for the issues mentioned.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction provides a clear statement of your opinion and outlines the issues you will discuss. This sets a clear direction for your essay.
task achievement
You successfully identified technology and mobile phones as contributing factors to the issue discussed. This links your argument to contemporary societal trends.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • escapism
  • economical choice
  • financially wiser
  • quality time
  • health risks
  • social isolation
  • face-to-face interaction
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • cardiovascular problems
  • over-reliance
  • real-life skills
  • creative stimulation
  • genres
  • inspiration
  • alleviate stress
What to do next:
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