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Band 5

The percentage of internet users who shopped online in Australia by age group 2007-2009.

#percentage #internet #users #australia #age #group
The chart illustrates how many people shopping online in Australia by different ages in 2007 and 2009.
Overall
, there was an increase in the figure for the number of online shopping users of all groups throughout the
years
, with the age between 36 and 45 witnessing the most considerable growth.
Conversely
, despite a climb, the data of people over 65
years
 old stayed at the lowest position in two examined
years
. The proportion of users bought through the Internet of the group under 25 and under 35 started at 20% and just above 30% in 2007, after which it experienced a gradual climb to 23% and 33% in 2009 respectively. Similar changes can be seen in the figure for online clients from 36 to 45
years
 old, which was at 26% in 2007, before soaring considerably to just under 40% after two
years
. 22% was the data of 46 to
55
Correct your spelling
55-year-old
years
 old Internet customers in 2007, followed by a marginal increase to 37% in 2009. The figure for Internet users who shopped online between 56 and 65 and over 65
years
 old saw equivalent changes, starting at a mere 11% and 5% in the first year, after which it rose slightly to 18% and 11% respectively in the final year.
Submitted by anhnguyen270407 on

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task achievement
Overall, your essay provides a good and complete response to the task. However, try to enhance the clarity of your ideas. Occasionally, the descriptions of percentage changes could be more straightforward to make them easier to follow for the reader.
task achievement
Ensure you're not just describing trends but also providing comparisons where relevant. This can make your essay more insightful and help you achieve a higher band.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-structured with clear paragraphs, an introduction, and a conclusion. However, the flow of information in the body paragraphs could be smoother. Try to use linking words and phrases more effectively to show the relationship between different age groups’ trends.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are a bit packed and could benefit from being broken down into simpler ideas to maintain clarity and coherence. Short, clear sentences often make your argument easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a clear structure, including an introduction and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well-supported with relevant data from the chart.
task achievement
There is a good attempt to provide specific details and percentages, which strengthens the response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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