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Band 5

Today, the life expectancy of people is much higher than before. some people think that older people should continue to be involved in the workforce. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#life #expectancy #people #workforce
Nowadays, life span has increased in the world. It is argued by
some
Capitalize word
Some
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 that the older generation has to continue working,
however
, I think that it is better to retire. Some
people
 claim that occupation assists
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 for various reasons. First of all, the proponent of
this
 view believes that working helps old individuals to earn more
money
 which can spend
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to have a better standard of life.Considering the elderly who have enough
money
 to recover
himself
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
 and go to the doctor regularly. He may have a better situation compared to the poor old person.
Secondly
, old
people
 might have more communication with coworkers.
Such
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
communication assists them from different forms of diseases, depression, namely.
This
 is mainly because the elderly normally live alone.Once they do not have a relationship with colleagues, they will have a negative effect on their mental situation. Without a doubt, to some extent
true
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
, a job may help the
old
Fix the agreement mistake
older
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 generation in some areas.
However
, there are some snags associated with the above-mentioned perspective.
Firstly
, old individuals should have a pension, which is prepared by the government,
this
money
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 them to manage life expenditure. They can spend more time with family members and friends as they work for long hours, which will have a harmful influence on their health.
Therefore
, they should spend huge amounts of
money
for
Change preposition
on
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 recovery. More importantly, these
people
 probably, do not enjoy
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
noisy places,
such
 as the workforce. They prefer to spend time with their peers.
Thus
, socializing with colleagues does not protect them from depression on the grounds that they do not have a great time with them.
To conclude
,
while
 working can help
people
 in some situations, they can do different types of things that are more valuable for them.
Submitted by za.vasigh on

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear stance on the topic, but it could be strengthened by integrating more specific examples. For instance, you could include real-world scenarios where older adults either benefited from working or suffered from it.
coherence cohesion
While the essay's ideas are logically structured, the flow can be enhanced by better use of transition words and phrases. For example, words like 'Moreover', 'Therefore', and 'Consequently' can help guide the reader more effectively through the arguments.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are a bit unclear due to grammatical issues or word choice. For example, 'Considering the elderly who have enough money to recover himself and go to the doctor regularly' could be rephrased for clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay effectively introduces the topic and presents a clear conclusion that aligns with the arguments made in the body paragraphs.
task achievement
Several strong points are made regarding the advantages and disadvantages of older adults remaining in the workforce. This adds depth to your argument and showcases a balanced perspective.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • workforce
  • mentorship
  • mental and physical health
  • community engagement
  • rapidly changing work environments
  • economic stability
  • age discrimination
  • workplace adjustments
  • financial strain
  • pension systems
  • diversifying
  • creativity
  • problem-solving
  • retirement norms
  • flexible working hours
  • part-time positions
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