IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Write about the following topic: There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words

#topic #pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
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It is widely accepted by many that
subjects
 like physical education and cooking
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not help academically,
due to
 which
opinion
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opinions
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 come
on
Change preposition
to
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surface
Correct article usage
the surface
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 suggesting
removal
Correct article usage
the removal
show examples
 of non-academic
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 from the school syllabus. I believe all
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
 important in different ways. it is true that they may not help academically but they have equal importance in the school syllabus. I will provide evidence suggesting the same with reasoning describing why it is believed
this
 way.
To begin
 with, the rise of advancement in all aspects of
society
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
also
 creates a lot of pressure on
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 to gain knowledge to help
society
 grow more, with which it is easily understandable to think that
non- academic
Correct your spelling
non-academic
show examples
subject
 only weighs a
student
 down.
Additionally
,
to pursue
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pursuing
show examples
 these
non- academic
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non-academic
show examples
subject
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subjects
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 is not susceptible for everyone
due to
 which
student
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students
show examples
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not wish to
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
 in them.
Furthermore
,
subject
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subjects
show examples
 like cooking and physical education
also
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not
support
Wrong verb form
supported
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 financially and
not
Add a missing verb
are not
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 beneficiary
for
Change preposition
to
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
. There are plenty of
reasoning
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reasons
show examples
 that suggest
removal
Correct article usage
the removal
show examples
 of
sub-
Correct your spelling
sub-subjects
show examples
subjects
 like sports and culinary but it is
also
 important to understand why they are in
syllabus
Add an article
the syllabus
show examples
.
Firstly
, it
help
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helps
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 a
student
 build
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
physical health that indirectly improves cognitive, alertness and perception leading to
support
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supporting
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student's
Correct article usage
the student's
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 academic results.
Secondly
, these other
subjects
helps
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help
show examples
 us understand the moral ethics, manners,
importance
Correct word choice
and importance
show examples
 of
society
 and family without these
society
 could collapse.
Moreover
, these
subjects
helps
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help
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 in
maintain
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maintaining
show examples
 a healthy lifestyle. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
academic
subject
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subjects
show examples
 might hold more importance in today's world but
to understand
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understanding
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 the
requirement
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requirements
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 of
non
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
academic
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academics
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 is
also
 important.
It
Correct pronoun usage
There
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 is
also
 a dire need to understand that earning more money is not
important
Rephrase
as important
show examples
than
Change preposition
as
show examples
 living
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life to the fullest. So, the removal of
non- academic
Correct your spelling
non-academic
show examples
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 might to less good than bad in the long run.
Submitted by nick on

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grammar
There are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings in the essay. Paying attention to subject-verb agreement, proper use of articles, and sentence structure will enhance the clarity and readability of your writing. Consider reviewing basic grammar rules or using grammar-check tools to identify and correct mistakes.
coherence cohesion
Incorporate transitions and linking words to create a smooth flow between sentences and paragraphs. Phrases such as "Moreover," "However," and "For example" can help to connect ideas more coherently.
task achievement
Provide specific examples to support your arguments. This can help to illustrate your points more clearly and make your essay more persuasive. Referencing relevant experiences or general knowledge can make your positions more relatable and convincing.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt effectively, discussing both sides of the issue and providing reasoning for why non-academic subjects should remain in the school syllabus.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces the writer's stance, providing a clear end to the essay.
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