IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think the government should not spend on international aid because there are disadvantaged people in their countries, such as the unemployed and homeless. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #aid #countries
These days, some
countries
 not only their industries but
also
 the economy are in a good situation, so they can help other
countries
, but inhabitants do not have the same view because they believe that some
people
 who have Neither a job nor a home living in their country. I'm of the same opinion about
this
 view, for government incomes are from
people
, so must spend for them, and a country without poverty has less crime. On the one hand, government incomes are earning taxes from citizens, and inhabitants work hard
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 evolve their
countries
;
as a result
, they believe that
this
 money must
spend
Wrong verb form
be spent
show examples
 on the positions that improve the aspect of the country like creating occupations, and helping the natives who do not have cabin
instead
 help poor
countries
 which
people
 are not hard-working because these
countries
 must change their ways;
moreover
, governments and
people
 have to help each other for developing like rich
countries
.
On the other hand
, when authorities spend money for increasing firms,
then
 most of the
people
 have work and can buy a house.
Hence
, not only does the rate of offence reduce but
also
 the government's economy is getting better.
For instance
, China get funds
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 new businesses. Later, the economy
is rising
Wrong verb form
rose
show examples
, and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crimes
are falling
Wrong verb form
fell
show examples
.
In addition
, China
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not help other
countries
due to
 the fact that
Chinese
Correct article usage
the Chinese
show examples
 are more important than the global inhabitants.
To conclude
, with the reasons mentioned above, in my opinion, when The governments improve
natives
Change noun form
natives'
show examples
 living have more benefits than helping
countries
 that do not do any work for us.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your arguments. Concrete examples can enhance the persuasiveness of your essay.
task achievement
Ensure that your ideas and sentences are clearly expressed and avoid overly complex sentences. This will help make your arguments clearer to the reader.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical transitions between your points. Use linking words and phrases to create a smoother flow of ideas throughout your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame the overall argument well.
task achievement
You have presented relevant arguments for why governments should prioritize spending on their own citizens rather than on international aid.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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