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Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and fitness is decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

#countries #weight #people #fitness #measures
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In
Change the preposition
On
show examples
 the
contrary
Correct word choice
other
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 world, people have gained weight more, and their fitness has changed negatively. These problems can have reasons like consuming unhealthy
food
 and
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 decline
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 activity.
Also
, there are solutions
for
Change preposition
apply
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; like altering
food
 quality and more exercise, which in
this
 essay, the mentioned points, will be considered. To commence with, nowadays, people are more obese and less
in-shape
Correct your spelling
in shape
show examples
, and the reason could be related to their diet and activity.
Emerging
Change preposition
With emerging
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 added numbers of fast
food
 restaurants, currently, individuals tend to eat more easy and
fast made
Add a hyphen
fast-made
show examples
 meals. The reason could be related to the taste of these foods; specifically, are more salty and oily and
high-
Correct your spelling
high-calorie
show examples
calory
, and
subsequently
, cause more consumption and obesity.
Moreover
, being less fit in today's world is another issue that must be considered. In the modern technological world, humans are not interested in walking.
Instead
, they tend to do their daily chores
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their mobiles rather than pacing.
For example
, in many modern countries, individuals do their
shoppings
Fix the agreement mistake
shopping
show examples
by
Change preposition
on
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 their cell phones.
On the other hand
, being
over- weight
Correct your spelling
over-weight
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 and not being
in-shape
Correct your spelling
in shape
show examples
 has solutions. In the matter of obesity, people can make dramatic changes in their condition through minute alters.
For instance
, by replacing high-
calory
easy made
Add a hyphen
easy-made
show examples
 meals with homemade dishes, they can decrease their
calory
Replace the word
calories
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 and lose weight.
Also
, about fitness, exercise must be considered as a cornerstone. More specifically, changing
daily
Correct pronoun usage
your daily
show examples
 routine,
includes
Wrong verb form
including
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 shopping from nearby stores, is the most convenient way to be
more fit
Replace the words
fitter
show examples
. In
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 nutshell, the issue that nowadays is considerable
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is about obesity and fitness. Consuming unhealthy fast
food
 and less activity are the basis of the dilemma.
On the other hand
, replacing high-
calory
 foods with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy ones, and being more active
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
show examples
 basis could be helpful
Submitted by aksoysana on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clear and consistent use of connecting words to enhance the flow of ideas and improve the overall cohesion of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to details such as grammar, punctuation, and word choice to eliminate minor errors and enhance readability.
task achievement
Expand on the examples and provide more specific evidence to make the arguments stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
Clarify ideas and ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details to improve coherence and clarity in the essay.
task achievement
Good effort in addressing all parts of the question by discussing both causes and solutions to the problem of increasing average weight and decreasing fitness.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively frame the essay, giving it a clear starting and ending point.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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