IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Film stars and music celebrities may earn a great deal of money and live luxurious lives, in contrast, academicians and scientists earn far less. Do you agree that academicians and scientist ought to be paid more?

#film #stars #music #celebrities #money #lives #contrast #academicians #scientists #scientist
Modernized world the famous persons in the entertainment and sports field are getting
high
Correct word choice
higher
show examples
 profits than the
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
those
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
who are working in
educational
Correct article usage
the educational
show examples
 and research industry
scientists
. I completely disagree
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 huge difference
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 benefits between both of them in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
To begin
 with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
celebrity any
Fix the agreement mistake
celebrities
show examples
one
Correct your spelling
anyone
show examples
 in entertainment or sports
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are only
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 entertain the public not to support their life or
country
, but academic
profession
Replace the word
professionals
show examples
 like
teacher is
Wrong verb form
teaching
show examples
 a highly responsible for teaching
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
characters
Fix the agreement mistake
character
show examples
 and studies to the prospective offspring.
For instance
,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 celebrity like a movie star has acted in a movie and
take
Wrong verb form
taken
show examples
 his profit
then
 he
gone
Add the auxiliary verb
went
has gone
show examples
 away. But
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
academic professionals like teachers are not like that, they have to work around 6 days
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a week and
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of time
to encourage
Change the verb form
encouraging
show examples
 their students.
Secondly
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
scientists
 are
pride
Add an article
the pride
show examples
 of our nations. They are working in medicine and space research fields
for serving
Change preposition
to serve
show examples
country
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
.
Also
, they do not have fixed time for work every scientist must
be work
Change the verb form
be working
show examples
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a whole week.
In
Change preposition
For
show examples
example
Add an article
the example
an example
show examples
 the
scientists
 working in
medicine
Replace the word
the medical
show examples
 field their life will be in
endanger
Change the verb form
endangering
show examples
 they sacrifice their whole
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 for the
nations
Fix the agreement mistake
nation
show examples
 but
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
celebrities
not
Add a missing verb
do not
show examples
 like that. They are working for their
self-benefit
Correct your spelling
own benefit
show examples
.
Eventually
Add a comma
Eventually,
show examples
 in all
nations
Add a comma
nations,
show examples
 celebrities are getting more
renumeration
Correct your spelling
remuneration
show examples
 than the highly educational and
scientists
 my suggestion is every
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
 government should take
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
corrective action to enhance the people who are really serving the
country
.
Submitted by smsundaram57 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Work on refining your introduction to make your stance clearer and more concise from the beginning. This will help set the stage for the subsequent arguments in your essay.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea, and that you provide more specific examples to support your points. The examples should be more detailed and relevant to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between your paragraphs by using transitional phrases. This will help create a smoother reading experience and enhance the overall coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion needs to summarize your main points more clearly and assertively, aligning strongly with the arguments presented in the body of the essay.
task achievement
Your essay clearly presents the argument that there is an imbalance in the earnings between celebrities and academic professionals, which is a good starting point for your discussion.
task achievement
You have touched on various roles and responsibilities of academicians and scientists, emphasizing their importance in society. This shows an understanding of the topic's significance.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: