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Band 4.5

The most important aim of science should be to improve people's live. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#aim #science #people
As we can see, the development of
science
 has greatly changed our lifestyle,
bring
Wrong verb form
bringing
show examples
 us convenience, happiness and so so. Recently,
science
 has
became
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 a significant topic, some people firmly insist that the most
improtant
Correct your spelling
important
 target of
science
 should be to improve people's
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
. Towards to the issue,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 wholeheartedly agree with
this
 point of view.
Science
 has brought numerous incredible achievements to human beings, that
had
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have
show examples
 completely changed our daily life. Among countless factors which influence my decision, there are two conspicuous aspects.
Firstly
, the main reason for my propensity is
that
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apply
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the difference between modern society and ancient society.
For example
, in
ancient
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the ancient
show examples
 world, the only two ways for people
travel
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to travel
show examples
 around
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 walking and horse riding, which
caused
Verb problem
took
show examples
 plenty of
time
. But now, we can take planes or
train
Correct subject-verb agreement
trains
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
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everywhere, the
time
 would be less than two or three days,
form
Correct your spelling
from
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 which we can tell there is a huge gap between before and now.
Besides
,
science
also
bring
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brings
show examples
 us more and more
convience
Correct your spelling
convenience
convinced
,
for example
,
Add an article
the smart
a smart
show examples
smart phone
Correct your spelling
smartphone
show examples
 has largely
decresed
Correct your spelling
decreased
 the
time
 we spend on communication, message or daily activities. We can send a message to our
familes
Correct your spelling
families
 or friends in 5 seconds, or we can order groceries delivery from a superstore
instead
 of wasting
lot
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a lot
show examples
 of
time
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
, parking and picking. From what
we
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apply
show examples
has been discussed above, we may reasonably come to the conclusion that
science
 has deeply
improve
Wrong verb form
improved
show examples
 our lifestyle, it is the most
improtant
Correct your spelling
important
 and most valuable target for the development of
science
.
Submitted by 1346668290 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow of your essay. For example, use better transitional phrases and ensure each paragraph flows naturally into the next.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to explicitly highlight your main points in the introduction and summarize them clearly in the conclusion. This will help in reinforcing your argument.
task achievement
Provide more specific and varied examples to back up your points. Try to avoid generalizations and really delve into relevant, concrete details.
clear comprehensive ideas
Focus on improving sentence structure to make your ideas clearer. For instance, use complex sentences where appropriate and avoid redundant phrases.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction does a good job of setting up the topic and your viewpoint clearly.
relevant specific examples
You have made relevant points about how modern conveniences like smartphones and transport modes have improved people's lives.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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