Some people feel that the private lives of celebrities should bot be openly shared by the media. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is acknowledged that
lives
Correct article usage
the lives
show examples
of
celebrities
are commonly
opend
Correct your spelling
opened
open
by the press and the news. Some
people
deem that it is
unfair
Add an article
an unfair
show examples
way to release
thier
Correct your spelling
their
daily
lives
to the public.
However
, others believe that being a top star means they will give up their private life forever. In my opinion, I partially agree
with
Change preposition
that
show examples
we need to protect the private
part
Fix the agreement mistake
parts
show examples
of
celebrities
. First of all, the advocates who think the public
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
to know their
stars
' every moment assert that the press or paparazzi are doing their own work well. They help the fans to understand their
stars
well by knowing their
favorites
Change the spelling
favourites
show examples
and hobbies when they are not in the show.
In addition
, the
fan
Fix the agreement mistake
fans
show examples
who
obsessed
Add a missing verb
are obsessed
show examples
with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
famous
people
want to get
several
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
information about their real
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
such
as their boyfriends, families and things which they do in their free time. On the other
hands
Fix the agreement mistake
hand
show examples
, the opponents who think having a limited line between
celebrities
and fans
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
essential
argue
Add the particle
to argue
show examples
that
celebrities
are
also
human and normal
people
around the world. The
stars
should take a rest during
the
Change the word
their
show examples
free time and get motivation to back to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
work. They want to hide
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
certain secrets
to
Change preposition
from
show examples
the public
such
as their health condition or money
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
with their companies. Once they become popular, they will be deprived of their typical
lives
. They need to show off their beauty whenever they go out or hang out with friends. It will be tough and annoying.
Furthermore
, their daily
lives
will be announced by the media
such
as television, the news and social network
system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
show examples
. In conclusion, I believe that protecting the
stars
'
lives
is important to keep
their
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
being
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
star
Fix the agreement mistake
stars
show examples
period. If the star
feel
Change the verb form
feels
show examples
exhausted extremely, they will disappear from the public. The fans need to keep their proper distance
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
each other.
The famous
Correct article usage
Famous
show examples
people
are
also
human and have a normal mental to
endure
Wrong verb form
enduring
show examples
their
Change the word
the
show examples
stress
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
the media. We should calm down to
know
Verb problem
learn
show examples
about their private
lives
.
Submitted by jeong9962 on

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grammar
There are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrases that detract from the overall readability. For example, 'lives of celebrities are commonly opend by the press' could be better phrased as 'the lives of celebrities are often exposed by the press.'
evidence
In the second body paragraph, it would be beneficial to provide more specific examples to support your points, such as a particular incident when a celebrity’s privacy was invaded and the consequences of that invasion.
transitions
It would be helpful to ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For example, the phrase 'On the other hands' should be corrected to 'On the other hand' and could use transitional phrases like 'In contrast' to signal a shift in perspective more clearly.
introduction
The introduction clearly presents both sides of the argument and expresses your partial agreement, which sets a clear direction for your essay.
conclusion
The conclusion succinctly summarises your stance and reinforces the need for balance in how the private lives of celebrities are handled by the media.
content
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, taking into account both the arguments for and against media intrusion into celebrities’ private lives.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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