Some people feel that the private lives of celebrities should bot be openly shared by the media. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is acknowledged that
lives
of Correct article usage
the lives
celebrities
are commonly opend
by the press and the news. Some Correct your spelling
opened
open
people
deem that it is unfair
way to release Add an article
an unfair
thier
daily Correct your spelling
their
lives
to the public. However
, others believe that being a top star means they will give up their private life forever. In my opinion, I partially agree with
we need to protect the private Change preposition
that
part
of Fix the agreement mistake
parts
celebrities
.
First of all, the advocates who think the public need
to know their Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
stars
' every moment assert that the press or paparazzi are doing their own work well. They help the fans to understand their stars
well by knowing their favorites
and hobbies when they are not in the show. Change the spelling
favourites
In addition
, the fan
who Fix the agreement mistake
fans
obsessed
with Add a missing verb
are obsessed
the
famous Correct article usage
apply
people
want to get several
information about their real Correct word choice
apply
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
such
as their boyfriends, families and things which they do in their free time.
On the other hands
, the opponents who think having a limited line between Fix the agreement mistake
hand
celebrities
and fans is
essential Change the verb form
are
argue
that Add the particle
to argue
celebrities
are also
human and normal people
around the world. The stars
should take a rest during the
free time and get motivation to back to Change the word
their
the
work. They want to hide Correct article usage
apply
their
certain secrets Correct pronoun usage
apply
to
the public Change preposition
from
such
as their health condition or money problem
with their companies. Once they become popular, they will be deprived of their typical Fix the agreement mistake
problems
lives
. They need to show off their beauty whenever they go out or hang out with friends. It will be tough and annoying. Furthermore
, their daily lives
will be announced by the media such
as television, the news and social network system
.
In conclusion, I believe that protecting the Fix the agreement mistake
systems
stars
' lives
is important to keep their
being Correct pronoun usage
them
a
Correct article usage
apply
star
period. If the star Fix the agreement mistake
stars
feel
exhausted extremely, they will disappear from the public. The fans need to keep their proper distance Change the verb form
feels
with
each other. Change preposition
from
The famous
Correct article usage
Famous
people
are also
human and have a normal mental to endure
Wrong verb form
enduring
their
stress Change the word
the
by
the media. We should calm down to Change preposition
from
know
about their private Verb problem
learn
lives
.Submitted by jeong9962 on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
grammar
There are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrases that detract from the overall readability. For example, 'lives of celebrities are commonly opend by the press' could be better phrased as 'the lives of celebrities are often exposed by the press.'
evidence
In the second body paragraph, it would be beneficial to provide more specific examples to support your points, such as a particular incident when a celebrity’s privacy was invaded and the consequences of that invasion.
transitions
It would be helpful to ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For example, the phrase 'On the other hands' should be corrected to 'On the other hand' and could use transitional phrases like 'In contrast' to signal a shift in perspective more clearly.
introduction
The introduction clearly presents both sides of the argument and expresses your partial agreement, which sets a clear direction for your essay.
conclusion
The conclusion succinctly summarises your stance and reinforces the need for balance in how the private lives of celebrities are handled by the media.
content
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, taking into account both the arguments for and against media intrusion into celebrities’ private lives.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!