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Band 5.5

Many people believe that a good planning is the key factor to success in life. Others think there are more important factors (hard work or luck). Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #factor #success #life #factors #work #luck
It is believed that the key factor in
success
 is good planning,
whereas
 it is thought that
people
 have more important
factors
 to be successful.
Although
people
 have more chances to succeed by planning their steps, there are other
factors
, namely hard
work
 and
luck
, that lead to
success
. Planning steps are the key factor in
success
.   On the
one
 hand,
people
 believe that planning steps are crucial to achieving
success
,
such
 as goals.
This
 is the opinion of realistic
people
. Because they do not believe in any kind of
luck
.
Also
, good keys are made by themselves since their childhood to
success
Replace the word
succeed
show examples
 in their lives.
In addition
, good planning is built from the little things,
one
 by
one
, and it will definitely achieve
success
. Because of
it
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
, it is a
plan
 that does not have any mistakes.
For example
, Garry Thompson, who is the founder of Thompson School,  said that
success
 in life is not difficult, but it needs only
one
 great
plan
, and it will definitely be successful.
Although
 many years ago he was just a teacher who taught students at school, after many years he is a role model for teenagers.    
On the other hand
, there are other
factors
 that do not require some kind of
plan
,
such
 as hard
work
 and
luck
. Actually, these kinds of things exist in life, but they do not
work
 all the time in the way of
success
. There are many
people
 who
achieved
Wrong verb form
achieve
show examples
success
 through hard
work
 or
luck
. The
luck
 is able to come up to the peak.
For instance
, Jack Ma is a person who has great
luck
. Since
then
, no companies have employed him for
work
. But he did not stop his hard
work
. A few years later, he achieved his own business
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
luck
 and hard
work
; now he has his own platform, which is called Alibaba. That’s why
people
 should try without stopping their hard
work
.   In conclusion,
people
 should not believe other
factors
 like hard
work
 or
luck
. As I mentioned, it does not
work
 all the time.
Therefore
, individuals should have
one
 perfect
plan
 to achieve
success
 in life.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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coherence cohesion
Consider improving the flow of ideas within paragraphs. For instance, the paragraph about the importance of planning should connect points more logically.
task achievement
Expand the analysis of factors such as hard work and luck. Providing more examples and elaboration can strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Make sure to include a concise and clear thesis statement in the introduction. This will help set up the main points you plan to discuss.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly presents both sides of the argument, indicating what the essay will discuss.
relevant specific examples
Using specific examples such as Garry Thompson and Jack Ma helps to illustrate and support the main points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • success
  • good planning
  • goals
  • objectives
  • allocation of resources
  • uncertainty
  • productivity
  • hard work
  • diligence
  • perseverance
  • skill development
  • continuous improvement
  • challenges
  • setbacks
  • luck
  • opportunities
  • favorable circumstances
  • outcome
  • personal opinion
  • crucial
  • unpredictable
  • remain open
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