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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#information #numbers #participants #activities #centre #melbourne #australia #period #summarise #features #comparisons
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The graph provided data about the amount of
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
 for different activities in Melbourne,
Australisa
Correct your spelling
Australia
 between 2000 and 2020 at one social centre.
Overall
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 the given information, there was a substantial difference among these activities. They ranged from 0 to 65
participants
Use synonyms
 per activity. First of all,
film
Correct article usage
the film
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 club
leaded
Correct your spelling
led
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 the attendance chart with 64
people
Use synonyms
 in 2000.
Besides
Linking Words
, musical performances did not attract any
members
Use synonyms
 in the same year until 2005.
Secondly
Linking Words
, these hobbies tended to increase
at the end
Linking Words
 of the year 2020,
exception
Replace the word
except
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 with amateur dramatics. In 2000,
amateur dramatics
Correct your spelling
Amateur Dramatics
show examples
 had over 25
participants
Use synonyms
, and continuously grew
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 28
members
Use synonyms
 in 2005.
However
Linking Words
, the number of
people
Use synonyms
 went down significantly, to only about 5
people
Use synonyms
 in 2020. Another point worth noting is that martial arts had a larger number of
participants
Use synonyms
 than table tennis
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 about 20
people
Use synonyms
 in 2000.
However
Linking Words
, they intersected near the beginning of 2015 with a number of
participants
Use synonyms
 ranging from 33 to 34
people
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, table tennis climbed to 52
members
Use synonyms
 in 2020, leaving martial
art
Fix the agreement mistake
arts
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 with a barely increased membership of 34
members
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by chauhongngoc.577 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words participants, people, members with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • participation rates
  • trends
  • significant increases/decreases
  • stable numbers
  • fluctuations
  • overall participation
  • comparison
  • activities
  • social centre
  • Melbourne
  • participants
  • highlight
  • report
  • graph illustrates/demonstrates
  • 20-year period
  • key features
  • main features
  • statistical data
  • variations
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