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Band 4.5

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this .

#countries #people #work #travel #year #school #university #studies
The young people of some countries, would sooner
looking
Change the verb form
look
be looking
show examples
 for a job or take a vacation between graduating high school and enrolling
university
Change preposition
on university
show examples
. One of the main benefits of
this
 decision is that the students will be able to make their minds free,
moreover
, the principal drawback is tending to quit
university
. the details of both pros and cons will be explained in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
, in every career, after many years of
hardworking
Correct word choice
hard work
show examples
, a little bit
rest
Change preposition
of rest
show examples
 and spending time in a more fascinating way is the right of every person.
As a consequence
, the pupils have the right to take a rest and get away from it all.
for
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
by go
Change preposition
going
show examples
 on a vacation or hanging out with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
friends just after high school
graduating
Verb problem
apply
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seem
Correct subject-verb agreement
seems
show examples
 so vital to make the mind free and prepare it for
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
hardworking
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
.
Secondly
,
on the other hand
, by knowing the nature of humankind, every person would rather live in comfort, so after a long gap between high school and
university
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
students tend to quit going to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
university
 and they just want to relax,
hanging
Wrong verb form
hang
show examples
 out with their friends and so many works which may ruin their future.
According to
 the TIMES newspaper, about 32
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of young people have an addiction to cigarettes,
also
this
 expedition shows the reason why young individuals tend to do
such
 things, is that they have
a lots
Correct the article-noun agreement
a lot
lots
show examples
 of free time. In conclusion,
this
 method which is happening in some countries,
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 many advantages and disadvantages. the
tempt
Replace the word
temptation
show examples
 to quit
university
 is one of the drawbacks which can lead to some serious problems.
Submitted by pouya_mokhtarpour on

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coherence cohesion
To improve organization and clarity, structure your essay with clearer paragraphs. Each point should start with a topic sentence followed by supporting sentences. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction clearly states the topic and your stance or the purpose of the essay. This helps set the context for the reader.
task achievement
Although you have provided examples, they could be more specific and detailed to fully support your points. Try to include more concrete evidence or real-life examples.
task achievement
Work on your grammar and sentence structure to make your ideas clearer. For instance, avoid run-on sentences and ensure proper use of transitional phrases to link your ideas smoothly.
task achievement
You have addressed both the advantages and disadvantages of taking a gap year, which shows a balanced view on the topic.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good attempt to discuss complex ideas, which is commendable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cultural immersion
  • Life experience
  • Work ethic
  • Career readiness
  • Self-discovery
  • Delayed gratification
  • Intellectual stagnation
  • Financial implications
  • Social dynamics
  • Academic trajectory
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