IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Instructions Read the question below and write an opinion essay. You should spend no more than 40 minutes on this task. Remember to write down a clear thesis statement followed by your essay plan. Only then attempt to write this essay. Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth rather than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To What extent do you agree or disagree?

#instructions #minutes #thesis #plan #attempt #celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #sets #people
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it is argued that , at the
peresent
Correct your spelling
present
 time famous
celebrities
 own fortune and appealing
apperance
Correct your spelling
appearance
 rather than other talents .
this
 can
contributes
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contribute
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bad
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a bad
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 influence on minors . I
beleive
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believe
 that it can
affects
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affect
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on
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apply
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juniors
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juniors'
junior's
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 confidence and beliefs so
this
 can
consider
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be considered
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as
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apply
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deterimental
Correct your spelling
detrimental
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 them.
firstly
, lots of
celebrities
 are rich and attractive and they show off
on
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in
show examples
 the
advertisments
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advertisements
 and social media.
moreover
, their own focus is
this
 kind of
things
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thing
show examples
instead
 of pure
arts
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art
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 and
furthermore
, they can have
dramatically
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dramatic
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 effects on
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the youger
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youger
Correct your spelling
younger
 generation , because young
people
 are
intersted
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interested
 in them and because they are biased fans
so
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apply
show examples
it can cause imitation . imitation in
this
 age is widespread and
also
 perilous , because of
thier
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their
 few
experinces
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experiences
experience
 they can not defect
the
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apply
show examples
accurate behaviours.
for example
, lots of teenagers are smoking nowadays because smoking
in particular
 in music
vedios
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videos
 is very
trend
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trendy
show examples
.
secondly
, influencers do not display everything and sometimes they edit their pictures
for having
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to have
show examples
 a better body or it is apparent that some of them exaggerate about their expenses and incomes ,
therefore
 they show an outstanding picture of life .
this
 can lead to comparison among young
people
ans
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and
lack
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a lack
show examples
 of confidence
,
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apply
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because they consider that they are not as perfect and lavish as
the
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apply
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other
people
.
for instance
, lots of girls are efforting to have
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severe
sereve
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several
 diets because
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their
thier
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their
 ideal
bodyshapes
Correct your spelling
body shapes
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
Correct your spelling
affected
affacted
Correct your spelling
affected
 by
inaccurate
Add an article
an inaccurate
the inaccurate
show examples
image
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images
show examples
from
Change preposition
of
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celebrities
 in conclusion ,
celebrities
 are a bad example for pursuing specifically for minors .
i
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I
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 think
fallowing
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following
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this kind
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these kinds
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 of
people
that
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who
show examples
 are famous because of money and beauty can mitigate
youngers
Correct your spelling
younger
show examples
 confidence and can cause some bad
attitude
Fix the agreement mistake
attitudes
show examples
.
Submitted by yasaman.bozorgzad9 on

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grammar
Pay attention to grammar, spelling, and punctuation. For example, 'at the peresent time' should be 'at present,' 'can contributes' should be 'can contribute,' and 'this can consider as' should be 'this can be considered as.'
thesis statement
Improve the thesis statement and make your stance clear. For example, 'I believe that this trend can negatively affect young people's confidence and beliefs, so it should be considered detrimental to their development.'
cohesion
Use more cohesive devices to link sentences and paragraphs. For example, instead of 'firstly,' you can use 'Firstly,' and instead of 'moreover,' try 'Moreover.' Make sure your ideas flow logically from one to another.
supporting details
Support your main points with more detailed examples and explanations. For example, when discussing the influence of edited pictures, you could elaborate on how photo-editing apps contribute to unrealistic beauty standards.
task response
You have made a good effort by providing examples to support your points about the negative influence of celebrities on young people, such as smoking and body image issues.
structure
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
cohesion
The use of some cohesive devices like 'firstly' and 'secondly' helps to organize your ideas.
What to do next:
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