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Band 5

sMany people believe that individuals over 65 should not be allowed to continue working. Others think that people should be allowed to work for as long as they choose. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#smany #people #individuals #work
A host of
people
 indicate that
people
 over 65 should be retired
while
 other
people
 think that the elderly have
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 to
work
 until they want.
This
 essay attempts to shed light on both perspectives before concluding that I am
m
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
favor in former notion. On the one hand, older
people
 working their
job
 when they
have been
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 65
over
Change preposition
apply
show examples
years old could be advantageous to a certain extent.
Firstly
, If older
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 could continue their career, they could have
ability
Change the article
the ability
show examples
 to afford living
expences
Correct your spelling
expenses
show examples
.
For example
, there are some the number of elderly who are the
bread winner
Correct your spelling
breadwinner
show examples
 in their family, so they need to make money from their current
job
, which could help them maintain their stable life.
Secondly
, maintaining
profession
Correct article usage
the profession
show examples
 of older workers is a great way to keep their purpose in their lives.
For instance
, some old employees are eager to
work
bacause
Correct your spelling
because
 it helps them
work
 their favourite career, which makes them delighted and enjoyable.
On the other hand
, there are a number of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that
people
 over 65 years old should spend the rest of their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 to delight in valuable moments. The first reason is that when they quit their
job
, they could have more time for their family and their friend.
For instance
, they could take part in family activities,
such
 as watching
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
show examples
, cooking
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 and shopping together, which makes them relaxed and amused. Another reason is that if the elderly give up their position, they would create
job
 opportunities for younger candidates.
This
 is because older
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 have more
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
 and professional skills than the
youngers
Correct your spelling
younger
show examples
, it
Correct pronoun usage
ones, it
show examples
 leads to
create
Wrong verb form
creates
show examples
 some burdens for young
people
 and
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them pressured, thereby young candidates would have
freedom
Add an article
the freedom
show examples
 to be more creative and confident in the company without the elderly
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
. In conclusion,
while
 it is irrefutable that old employees continue to
work
 when they are over 65, I would contend that there are some benefits for older employees when they decide to retire.
Submitted by lethiphuonguyen0098 on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence, ensure each paragraph logically flows to the next, perhaps by using more linking phrases or transitional words.
task achievement
Further develop your main points with clearer examples or more detailed explanations to thoroughly support your argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses both views of the prompt, providing a balanced discussion which is a key aspect of the task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively set the stage and wrap up the essay, contributing to coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The essay contains relevant points and examples, showing a reasonable effort to explain both perspectives.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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