IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

To what extent do the internet increase social cohension

#internet #cohension
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People
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 who live in highly developed
countries
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 often take
access
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 to information
technology
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 for granted. They find it hard to imagine a
world
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 in which
this
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technology
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 does not bring greater prosperity.
However
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, as the IT revolution moves forward in some parts of the
world
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, in other parts of the
world
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 the poor are falling
further
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 and
further
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 behind. Indeed there are many barriers to wider IT
access
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 and its potential benefits.
Firstly
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, in some
countries
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 that are undeveloped, a large majority of
people
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 are especially likely to be illiterate. In fact, research shows that
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while
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apply
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in
the
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apply
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highly developed nations, fewer than fifty
percent
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per cent
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 of the population cannot read.his piece of evidence shows that in
the
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apply
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highly developed
countries
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 nearly all of the
people
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 are knowledgeable of what is happening in different parts of the
world
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 and
also
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 in their own country,
whereas
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 in the
countries
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 that are still struggling with poverty, a huge group of residents cannot
access
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 information
technology
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.
This
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 large proportion of illiteracy could be a serious problem for the more undeveloped
countries
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, as it increases the inequality in the
world
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.
Secondly
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,
the
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apply
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undeveloped
countries
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also
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 have a major problem: the inadequacy of the basic infrastructure.
This
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 directly leads to how much
people
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 can
access
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 the internet in a certain country. If the government
didn't
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doesn't
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 supply their
people
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 with
infrastructures
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infrastructure
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, the
people
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don't
Correct your spelling
won't
 have the time to notice what is happening online as they already have problems with their daily lives. And because of poverty, the government
also
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 has financial problems, so they can't help their
people
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 with their infrastructure. In conclusion, I believe that even though
the
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apply
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highly developed
countries
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 can use
this
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technology
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 to bring them into a better
world
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, the other
countries
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 need to fix their own problems
first,
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as it is essential for their development.
Submitted by viktoria.popova92 on

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coherence cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow of your essay. While your points are clear, they would benefit from more seamless transitions between ideas and paragraphs. For example, you could use more transitional phrases to help guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the key points made in your essay. Try to restate the main idea briefly and indicate its broader implications.
task achievement
Make sure to develop each of your main ideas fully and provide more specific examples to support your arguments. This will make your response feel more comprehensive and convincing.
task achievement
Develop your introduction further by clearly stating your thesis or main argument. This will help set the stage for the rest of your essay and guide the reader on what to expect.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt effectively and covers the major issues related to IT access and its impact on social cohesion. This shows a clear understanding of the task.
task achievement
You have identified major barriers to IT access in undeveloped countries, such as illiteracy and inadequate infrastructure, and discussed their implications well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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