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Band 6

It is the schools' responsibility to teach students good behaviour in addition to providing formal education. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience

#schools #responsibility #students #behaviour #addition #education
In recent years, modern schools
play
Wrong verb form
have played
show examples
 a pivotal role in shaping future generations.
While
 some people argue that
this
 role should not be limited to providing formal education, I would
contest
Verb problem
argue
show examples
 that teaching students good morals and how to behave should come
hand to hand
Correct your spelling
hand-in-hand
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 with theoretical learning. First and foremost, the education system must worry more about high moral standards rather than looking at ethics in a passive way.
This
 is because those who retain those qualities are more likely to gear their societies towards flourishment.
For example
, if a primary school
tough
Correct your spelling
taught
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 a pupil how to achieve a distinctive behaviour, they will certainly grow up holding those values, promoting and even spreading them amongst their relatives and companions.
This
, in turn, will pave the way for healthy future society.
However
, some may argue that
this
 could be more pressing upon children’s daily study schedule. As they already face challenging subjects in their syllabus, they will averse
these
Change preposition
to these
show examples
 additions even if it is valuable in the long run. Admittedly,
this
 is partly a problem that we could face when we start to apply moral subjects at schools, but
this
 is a subtle issue compared to the crucial benefits. Perhaps it is only a matter of time until the marvellous results of
such
 new optimization of our learning aims will prove its significance. In conclusion, despite the theoretical and practical knowledge provided by our
cotemporary
Correct your spelling
contemporary
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 educational systems, I would argue that optimizing those already necessary foundations with providing additional routes for gaining higher moralities would be of paramount importance for
a
Correct article usage
apply
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prosperous healthy societies.
Submitted by besoyam on

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Clear and Comprehensive Ideas
While the essay covers the topic well, make sure to use spell checks or reviews by peers to avoid minor spelling errors. For instance, 'tough' should be 'taught,' and 'averse' should be 'averse to.' This will enhance the clarity of your writing.
Logical Structure
Your essay demonstrates strong logical progression and paragraphs are generally well connected. However, the use of linking words could be improved to enhance the flow between ideas even more smoothly. Words like 'therefore,' 'moreover,' or 'as a result' can be quite helpful in linking your arguments.
Supported Main Points
Signposting phrases, such as 'in other words' or 'to illustrate,' can make your examples more explicit, helping the reader understand your points more effectively. This is particularly useful in making sure the examples support your main arguments well.
Introduction and Conclusion Present
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and your position on the matter, which is crucial for setting the stage for the reader. Well done!
Introduction and Conclusion Present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the key points discussed in the essay, reinforcing your stance, and providing a strong ending.
Relevant Specific Examples
You have included relevant examples which help to illustrate your points and provide evidence to support your argument. This strengthens your response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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