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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people are of the opinion that children should be rewarded for good behaviour. Others think they should be punished for bad behavior. Discuss both views and give your personal opinion and reasons.

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Introduction
Some people prefer to encourage
children
Use synonyms
 for their good
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
,
however
Linking Words
,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 believe that they should be punished for their
manner
Fix the agreement mistake
manners
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. In my opinion,
children
Use synonyms
 deserve encouragement when they are acting good and appropriate.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, kids are really sensitive to way that the
adult
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adults
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 behave with them
,
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apply
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 and would like to see positive
reacts
Replace the word
reactions
show examples
 when they are doing well. When
children
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 try to have good
manner
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manners
show examples
, it is really important for them to be encouraged by others.
For example
Linking Words
, when they share a thing, like their toy, with their peers, they would be so happy to hear from their parents that they do a respective work. So, they would have a tendency in future to
Linking Words
this
Add a missing verb
do this
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 work.
Body paragraph 2
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand,
a
Correct article usage
the
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 population think that
young
Correct article usage
the young
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 generation should be punished for their bad
treatments
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treatment
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.
This
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 group, believe that if
children
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 receive punishment for their wrong actions, they would do not that again.
In other words
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, they will find out that
this
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 practice is not suitable,
hence
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 there would be a
low risk
Add a hyphen
low-risk
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 manner like that in future.
However
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, giving physical and verbal punishment to
children
Use synonyms
 could have really terrific consequences like lowering their self-confidence and making them stubborn.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there are people who would like to cheer the
children
Use synonyms
 for their right actions,
in contrast
Linking Words
, others prefer to punish them for their bad
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
. I believe that cheering kids when they are acting well is good because,
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 them
to
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apply
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do that again, but, punishment could be dangerous, as it would
treat
Verb problem
affect
show examples
 their self-confidence and
making
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 them stubborn in future.

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task achievement
While the essay introduces the topic and states a clear opinion, it would benefit from a more comprehensive and well-balanced discussion of both views. Include more specific examples and explanations for both encouragement and punishment perspectives.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving sentence structure and grammar. There are several small errors that impede the flow and clarity of the essay. Regular practice and possibly writing improvement tools can help.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs are fully developed. Expanding on each point with additional details or examples can significantly strengthen your argument. Also, ensure smooth transitions between ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
You have presented your opinion clearly in both the introduction and conclusion, which is an essential aspect of a strong essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-organized with a clear structure, including an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in maintaining coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The use of examples, such as children sharing toys, is effective in illustrating your points, although more concrete examples would further enhance your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Positive reinforcement
  • Behavioral motivation
  • Praise
  • Extrinsic motivation
  • Internal discipline
  • Consequences
  • Time-outs
  • Removal of privileges
  • Logical consequences
  • Psychological effects
  • Child-parent relationship
  • Negative reinforcement
  • Consistency
  • Fairness
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