Some people think that one should retire at the age of 60 or 65. Others say that people should be allowed to work for as long as they want to. What is your opinion about this?
In the
work
environment, it has been a rule that people
in old age should take their retirement
and finally
enjoy their time
at home with their family. While
some people
think this
rule should be erased and encourage working people
to be allowed to work
as long as they want to, I strongly agree that retirement
is everyone's right. Let me share some of my perspectives.
First,
there is limit
Add an article
a limit
the limit
of
human capabilities for doing Change preposition
to
Add an article
the task
a task
task
. Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
People
that
is
not in their prime Change the verb form
are
time
tend to work
longer and not
as Add a missing verb
are not
addaptive
as the employee that just graduated from their universities. Correct your spelling
adaptive
addictive
Eventhough
the senior's Correct your spelling
Even though
problem solving
is better than young Add a hyphen
problem-solving
people
, Change noun form
people's
this
kind of speed of work
may interupt
working flow in general. Correct your spelling
interrupt
Secondly
, their decision making
might not be relevant anymore to today's issue. Problems which companies are facing are becoming more and more complex and modern Add a hyphen
decision-making
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
also
required
modern solutions. Wrong verb form
requires
People
in their retirement
age might find this
hard to catch up. Lastly
, people
in
Change preposition
at
their
age of 60 or 65 need to take some rest. Their health has to be Change the word
the
main
priority. They can take it easy with their life and Add an article
the main
a main
doing
the hobby they have wanted to do after they retire from Wrong verb form
do
work
.
However
, I do understand why some people
may think people
need to be allowed to work
longer. The first reason because of money problem. Sometimes employee
have to support lots of their family members and the Fix the agreement mistake
employees
retirement
fee is not enough for them. Moreover
, some people
choose to work
rather than stay at home. It makes them feel more alive and heathier
, which is very good for mental health and their body.
Correct your spelling
healthier
To sum up
, the opinion about this
may varied
but we need to think about Change the verb form
vary
be varied
Correct article usage
the long
long term
effect. Old Add a hyphen
long-term
people
has take
most of Verb problem
spend
the
Change the word
their
time
working and retirement
may be the perfect time
for them to take
rest and spend their Verb problem
apply
time
with their loved one
.Correct pronoun usage
ones
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Your essay presents a clear response to the task and covers all parts of the question. However, it could benefit from clearer and more structured main points to enhance readability and coherence.
task achievement
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your arguments are well-supported with relevant examples. This will strengthen your essay and make it more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Consider refining your transitions between ideas and paragraphs to improve the overall flow and cohesion of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and provide a good framing for your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a logical structure and generally maintains a clear progression of ideas.
task achievement
You address the prompt comprehensively and your opinion is clearly stated.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.