There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
It is true that we
surrounded
by various kinds of Add a missing verb
are surrounded
music
in the modern world from range
of traditional to international songs played in all places.Our nature requires Add an article
a range
music
for some reasons that must be met.In this
essay, I will explain it.
It is obvious that we are made from soul
and body and each of them has its own needs, such
as food for the former and music
for the ladder.Regarding the needs of the soul
which is music
, we can give some answers and investigate human history to prove our reasons.Firstly
,the human soul
must be fed and music
is equal to food from the body to soul
.Correct article usage
the soul
Secondly
, music
is not just for the modern world since primitives listened to the
natural songs to fulfil their relaxing Correct article usage
apply
need
, Fix the agreement mistake
needs
also
they were inspired to make a suitable songs
by tracing Correct the article-noun agreement
a suitable song
suitable songs
the
Correct article usage
apply
nature
song Replace the word
natural
maker
like birds.Fix the agreement mistake
makers
Finally
, music
is a distinguishing representer of art which is one of the humans
superiority to animals Change to a genitive case
human's
humans'
must
get more attention and concern as a fundamental need.
Correct word choice
and must
Although
there is no right or any chooseable question it is advisable to hear traditional music
rather than foreign music
due to
some logical reasons.For example
, old national music
contains an immense amount of lessons and sweet history which conservation them
is necessary to pass next generations.Correct pronoun usage
apply
This
type of music
is so close to our culture and we can fill its concept and it's fulfills
our Change the verb form
it fulfills
need
better than overseas Fix the agreement mistake
needs
music
which produced in other cultures and languages.Therefore
traditional music
must played more frequently than other countries' trend music
in public areas.
In conclusion, the reason why traditional music
is more important is that feeding our soul
which requires song as food must with
be its nature and culture and all Change preposition
apply
this
means traditional music
.Submitted by aliaghanjd74 on
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task achievement
Ensure you address all parts of the question clearly. While you have discussed why we need music and the importance of traditional music, make sure each point is fully elaborated.
task achievement
Develop your ideas with more concrete examples and explanations. Providing specific instances or evidence can help clarify your points and make your argument more compelling.
coherence
Work on the clarity of your essay to improve coherence. Some sentences are unclear or awkwardly structured, which can disrupt the flow of your argument.
coherence
Improve transitions between paragraphs and ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is fully developed. This will enhance the overall cohesion of your essay.
coherence
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument.
task achievement
You have identified some key reasons for the importance of music, particularly traditional music, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?