IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative

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Exponential
Correct article usage
The exponential
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 progression of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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 in the
last
Linking Words
 hundred years, unimaginable with the timeline of human civilization goes back
to
Change preposition
apply
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thousands of years. Despite the rapid growth of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technology, telecommunication plays
major
Add an article
a major
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 role in
current
Correct article usage
the current
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 global shift
while
Linking Words
 changing the course of human lives.
This
Linking Words
 essay will argue
that
Correct determiner usage
the
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repercussion
Fix the agreement mistake
repercussions
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 for teenagers who spend longer screen
time
Use synonyms
 with their mobile phones. After,
an
Correct article usage
the
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 age of ten, growth hormones work rapidly, which person naturally tends to
looks
Change the verb
look
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 for adventures or high-octane activities.
Therefore
Linking Words
, teen girls and boys tend to use digital devices which ubiquitous in their homes and everywhere.
In contrast
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, these devices
able
Add a missing verb
are able
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 to fuel their desire at the range of
finger
Fix the agreement mistake
fingers
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. But these gadgets
designed
Add a missing verb
are designed
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 to get maximum attention from the users
while
Linking Words
 hacking the
brain
Use synonyms
 addiction system, especially
this
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 mechanism has
prevalently
Add a missing verb
been prevalently
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 used by social media and gaming platforms to increase the usage
time
Use synonyms
 with
an
Correct article usage
apply
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online media.
However
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, these methods are more harmful to our subject group
which their
Correct pronoun usage
whose
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brain
Use synonyms
 is still in
underdeveloped
Add an article
the underdeveloped
an underdeveloped
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 stage. Even though these tools
made
Add a missing verb
are made
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 for adults, teenagers become the most vulnerable group in the
last
Linking Words
 few years. If
this
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 look via
lens
Add an article
the lens
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 of the body and mind, will reveal the darkness hidden under the fingers.
To begin
Linking Words
,
Correct article usage
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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type
two
Correct your spelling
2
 diabetes has
identified
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been identified
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 as a prominent
non transferrable
Add a hyphen
non-transferrable
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 disease among these
Change noun form
children
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children’s
Change noun form
children
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. A recent study reveals that
,
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apply
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sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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life
Replace the word
lifestyle
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 style directly linked to the
time
Use synonyms
person
Correct article usage
a person
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spent
Wrong verb form
spends
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 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
digital devices. Another research explained that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 extensive use of digital media can be harmful to neural activities in the
brain
Use synonyms
. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 neural connectivity supports
a
Correct article usage
apply
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memory formation and if
this
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sabotaged
Add a missing verb
is sabotaged
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 person will
get
Verb problem
find it
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 difficult to learn and
memorizing
Wrong verb form
memorise
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 information.
Therefore
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,
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
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 of
this
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 age group
mostly
Add a missing verb
are mostly
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 susceptible to
brain
Use synonyms
 malfunction, and performance at the school can be degraded. All things considered,
digital
Add an article
the digital
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 revolution created the global village,
Correct word choice
and that
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that
Correct determiner usage
the
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 transfer speed of information accelerated to unimaginable speed. But at the same
time
Use synonyms
, these gadgets have
Add a missing verb
been design
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design
Change the verb form
designed
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 to get maximum benefit for commercial purposes, that grab attention from target groups without thinking
the
Change preposition
about the
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 safety of the younger generation.

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task achievement
You have provided a comprehensive response to the task, discussing both the reasons why children spend hours on their smartphones and the implications of this behavior. However, some points could be developed further with more specific examples.
coherence cohesion
The essay has an introduction and conclusion, but the logical flow could be improved. Some transitions between ideas are abrupt, and certain paragraphs could be more clearly connected.
task achievement
Make sure to use more specific examples to support your main points. For instance, you could elaborate more on studies or expert opinions to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Consider restructuring some sentences for better readability. Shorter sentences can sometimes be more effective in conveying your message clearly.
task achievement
The essay addresses both parts of the task: reasons why children are on their smartphones and whether this is positive or negative, demonstrating good task achievement.
task achievement
The essay does a good job of discussing the impact on physical health and cognitive development, adding depth to the argument.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the essay well and improves coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
There is a good attempt to logically structure the essay by discussing the reasons first and then the consequences, which is effective in showing coherence.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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