IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behaviour
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
While
Linking Words
violence
Use synonyms
 on screens and in virtual reality is increasing these days, some experts state that
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon has a serious effect on the community. But others say it doesn't affect one's attitude. In my opinion, I totally believe that media
violence
Use synonyms
 does affect
people
Use synonyms
's behaviours, especially
children
Use synonyms
 and teenagers. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will refer to some studies to illustrate the negative impact of
violence
Use synonyms
 in video games.
Firstly
Linking Words
, I think if
people
Use synonyms
 see
violence
Use synonyms
 in the media every day, they will get used to it as a normal attitude in everyday life.
In other words
Linking Words
, when some
people
Use synonyms
 get rewarded for
violence
Use synonyms
 in virtual reality they might want to know how it feels in reality, so
this
Linking Words
 could be a motive.
In addition
Linking Words
 to that, an American study at California University in 2021, illustrated that 65% of
people
Use synonyms
 who are playing crime games
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 have bought real guns after a
while
Linking Words
 to try how it feels to shoot with a gun in real life.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 and teenagers are the most affected by media
violence
Use synonyms
. It's scientifically
proventhat
Correct your spelling
proven that
children
Use synonyms
 don't act on their own, but
according to
Linking Words
 what they see and hear, especially if there is no supervision by the parents.
For example
Linking Words
, a week ago my nephew who is 6 years old slapped his younger sister because he saw it in the WWE Restling show, as he said. Taking everything into consideration, I want to state that
violence
Use synonyms
 on screens has a
real
Replace the word
really
show examples
 damaging effect on
people
Use synonyms
's behaviours and thoughts. Rewarding for
violence
Use synonyms
 in video games is a big reason, and
children
Use synonyms
 are the most affected.
Submitted by wathiq.online22 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To enhance logistical structure, consider using more transitional phrases and signalling words to guide the reader through your arguments smoothly. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea for better clarity.
task achievement
Elaborate on your key points with more concrete examples and evidence. Expanding on your ideas will strengthen your task achievement. For instance, provide more insights into the California University study mentioned.
coherence cohesion
The introduction is clear and provides a strong thesis statement about your belief regarding media violence.
task achievement
Relevant and specific examples, such as the American study and your nephew's experience, effectively support your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
What to do next:
Look at other essays: