IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 1.5

Some people believe that children should be brought up in cities. Others believe that the countryside offers a better environment for children. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #children #cities #countryside #environment
In today's world, the debate surrounding raising children has become a central topic of public discourse. Some people believe that children should be brought up in cities,
while
 others
arugue
Correct your spelling
argue
 that
countryside
Correct article usage
the countryside
show examples
 offers a better environment for children.
While
 acknowledging the merits
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 both sides, I find myself more inclined towards the former. In support of
this
 perspective, my stance is primarily shaped by the logical coherence that cities provide better education.
This
 stance is firmly grounded
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the belief that
city
Correct article usage
the city
show examples
 has better educational resources. Not only does that city have better educational facilities, but it
also
 has experienced and talented teachers. A significant scientific study from Hong Kong University confirmed that the majority of students who pursue higher education are from the city,
further
reinforce
Wrong verb form
reinforcing
show examples
this
 view. It is
also
 important to consider that , largely because.
Submitted by 994620786 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
You have made a good start by presenting both sides of the argument in your introduction. However, your essay is incomplete and lacks a conclusion, which affects the coherence and cohesion. Make sure to draft a complete essay to avoid this issue.
supported main points
To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure that your ideas are well-supported and fully developed. Add more detailed explanations and examples to strengthen your argument.
relevant specific examples
You should provide relevant specific examples to make your points stronger and more persuasive. Drawing from personal experiences or widely recognized examples can greatly help.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly states the issue and your stance, which sets a clear direction for the essay.
logical structure
You have identified the strengths of city life, particularly focusing on educational resources and professional opportunities. This is a solid base to build upon.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • urban upbringing
  • cultural diversity
  • serene environment
  • open-mindedness
  • adaptability
  • health and wellbeing
  • quality education
  • healthcare facilities
  • sense of community
  • independence
  • creativity
  • physical and mental wellbeing
  • social bonds
  • enrichment
  • exposure
What to do next:
Look at other essays: