Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are it's causes and what solutions can be offered?
The
children
of the younger generation are now vulnerable to medical conditions which are most common among elder
generation. One of the most affecting diseases is Correct article usage
the elder
Obesity
. In this
essay, I will present the causes and possible solutions.
Nowadays people run after money and there is less time
to spend with family. As a
result
, parents often have no time
to cook for their children
. They purchased ultra-prossessed
food like Correct your spelling
ultra-processed
burger
, pizza, KFC or highly sweetened carbonated Fix the agreement mistake
burgers
beverage
. These are fatty, oily, high- Fix the agreement mistake
beverages
caloried
food which will lead to Correct your spelling
calorie
obesity
if one does not balance the intake of such
food with physical exercises. On the other
hand
most school agers in the world have to use modern technology for their studies. So they spend Add a comma
hand,
lot
of Change the article
a lot
time
in front of a mobile phone, laptop or a computer as well. Some children
are addicted to computer games So majority
of them keep away from athletics, Add an article
the majority
indoor outdoor
games and other physical activities. Add a hyphen
indoor-outdoor
Additionally
modern Add a comma
Additionally,
children
do not have enough time
to enjoy childhood entertainment as before. So a quiet number of children
have limited exposure to songs, music or dramas. As a
result
of these criteria
they are suffering from stress.Add a comma
criteria,
Therefore
most
common final Add an article
the most
result
is Obesity
it is course
Add an article
the course
a course
for
many other non-communicable diseases Change preposition
of
such
as Diabetes mellitus, Young Hypertension, heart attack and even cancer.
For the shake
of our future generation's better health, we must build a good understanding in our society about Child Correct your spelling
sake
Obesity
. Technology, today very important. Children
using all these modern learning electronic gadgets be
supervised by adults. Limited Wrong verb form
are
time
playing video games. Not only that, they need to have more
physically active Correct article usage
a more
life style
. Schools Correct your spelling
lifestyle
besides
the regular physical education sessions and
must make sports a compulsory curriculum. Better family bonding is important to reduce stress and can be simple as a Correct word choice
apply
once a week
Add a hyphen
once-a-week
walks
or cycling together as a family. Parents should ensure that to provide Fix the agreement mistake
walk
healthy
nutritional diet as well.
In my conclusion, the present school Correct article usage
a healthy
children
suffering
from Wrong verb form
suffer
fatty
Replace the word
fat
as a
result
of their sedentary, stressful lifestyle also
with unhealthy dietary intake. Simple lifestyle changes help to lead the
healthy life to Correct article usage
a
win
Verb problem
avoid
the
Correct article usage
apply
obesity
.Submitted by amalitharangani0 on
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task achievement
To improve your essay, ensure your ideas are clearly and comprehensively developed. Expand on each point and provide more specific examples to support your arguments. This will help improve the clarity and completeness of your response.
coherence cohesion
Although your essay is logically structured, it could benefit from smoother transitions between ideas. Use linking words and phrases to better connect your points and make the flow of the essay more coherent.
language use
Review and correct grammatical errors and awkward phrasings. Improving the grammatical accuracy will enhance the clarity and readability of your essay.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which provide a good framework for your essay.
task achievement
Your essay adequately addresses the task by discussing both causes and solutions of childhood obesity.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.