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Band 4.5

Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening. and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem

#offenders #crimes #first #punishment #measures
Most of the lawbreakers tend to break the laws again and again after the first retribution. In
this
 essay, I explained my views
further
.
To begin
 with, before taking custody we need to realise the background and the personality of the offenders. My personal view is most of them are reasonable. As an example,a poor woman stole a coconut from a big coconut estate for cooking as her
children
 in starving and had nothing at home to cook. She was arrested and punished. But,how she can pay the police fees or the charges for lawyers
.
Change the punctuation
?
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 She will go to jail.
While
 she is in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
custody ,
who
Correct pronoun usage
she
show examples
look
Correct subject-verb agreement
looks
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 after her
children
.
Furthermore
, the innocent lady became angry about her and the society.
Additionally
, she is suffering from her poverty and her
children
.
As a result
 ,after she returned back from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
jail she was motivated to
continue
Verb problem
do
show examples
 the wrong things. Her scared about the law will disappear. Because no one tried to understand her situation, no one cared about her family.
On the other hand
, her
children
 are
also
 neglected by society. But where is faulty? By the way, we need to think about why she did
this
?
Change the punctuation
.
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 She is
also
 an innocent woman and
also
 a mother. Why
she
Add a missing verb
did she
show examples
 become poor?Is it her fault? No, the Government should take responsibility. The government must encourage local industries and introduce people to work there.
Also
, they can make good marketing for self-employment opportunities and they can provide knowledge about production, marketing and business. So, the poor woman never ever
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 robbery, because she has employment and she has an income. Her
children
also
 work with her and there is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 good family bond and security. In conclusion, before punishing innocent people the authorities take custody and question them. Because most
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
offenders are reasonable and we can develop their self-esteem and self-security without punishment.
Submitted by amalitharangani0 on

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introduction conclusion present
Enhance the introduction by clearly stating the main points that will be discussed in the essay. This will improve the readability and coherence.
supported main points
Provide more robust evidence and examples to support the arguments. For instance, giving statistical data or referencing studies could strengthen your point.
logical structure
Work on the logical flow between paragraphs. Sometimes, the essay jumps from one idea to another without a smooth transition.
clear comprehensive ideas
Introduce a broader range of vocabulary and vary sentence structures to make the essay more engaging and to demonstrate higher language proficiency.
complete response
Address counter-arguments or acknowledge different perspectives to showcase a well-rounded understanding of the issue. This will help in achieving a higher score for task response.
relevant specific examples
You have used a real-life example to illustrate your point, which makes the essay relatable and grounded in reality.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your essay takes a compassionate and understanding stance toward offenders, highlighting socio-economic factors contributing to their actions.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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