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Band 4

Some people work for the same organisation all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different oraganisation. Discuss and give your opinion

#people #work #organisation #life #oraganisation
Many people choose to work for the same company all of their working life.
On the other hand
, some prefer to change
organisation
Fix the agreement mistake
organisations
show examples
 during their professional time. In my opinion, changing
workplace
 seems to be a better option compared to staying in one place only.
Firstly
, switching to a new
workplace
 is useful for our
self improvement
Add a hyphen
self-improvement
show examples
. When we move to a new place, we will be able to meet new people from different backgrounds
This
 helps us to communicate better and allows us to have a broader connection.
Besides
 the functionality in professional life, having a lot of connections will help us in
another aspects
Replace the adjective
another aspect
other aspects
show examples
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 life.
Secondly
, people who switch jobs tend to get higher
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
show examples
. I believe that changing
workplace
Correct article usage
the workplace
show examples
 will boost our professional value as we can be proven to be
easy
Change the adjective
easily
show examples
 adapted to
work
Add an article
the work
a work
show examples
 environment.
As a result
, we can get higher salaries and job
title
Fix the agreement mistake
titles
show examples
.
For example
, in Marketing, the diversity of portfolio is crucial. By changing
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
, it allows us to work on different projects than can be presented in our portfolio.
To conclude
, I believe that changing organisation will
benefits
Change the verb form
benefit
show examples
 us in many
way
Change to a plural noun
ways
show examples
.
However
, too
many
Correct quantifier usage
much
show examples
 job hopping is not recommended. We will have to keep in mind to stay in the same
workplace
 for at least 2 years.
Submitted by oktavianisaa123 on

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Introduction/Conclusion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, which is good. However, the introduction could be more structured, and the conclusion needs to summarize the key points more effectively.
Logical Structure
While your essay is organized well, ensure smoother transitions between your points to improve coherence.
Supporting Main Points
To strengthen your argument, include more specific examples and evidence to support your ideas.
Grammar
Avoid small grammatical errors and refine your sentence structures to make your writing clearer.
Task Achievement
Your essay covers the topic well and provides a thorough response to the prompt.
Clear Ideas
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, and your points are relevant.
Relevant Examples
You provide relevant examples, such as the importance of a diverse portfolio in Marketing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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